CHAPTER 5: I Love You

“How was it?” Jeongwoo asked him as soon as he entered their flat. The other guy looked at him expectantly.

“We just went out,” he answered, removing the scarf, and putting it in the hanger attached at the back of the door. He sat on the couch.

“Nothing else happened?” the other guy pushes the conversation as he sat across from Doyoung.

“What do you expect to happen, then, Park Jeongwoo?”

“Like a kiss or something,”

“Shut up!”

“Why? That did not happen.”

“Of course not,”

“And you’re disappointed.”

“Don’t accuse me.”

“I can see it in your eyes.”

“Shut up!”

“Quick question,” Jeongwoo faced him.

“What is?”

“Have you two really broken up?”

“I don’t know,” Doyoung looked at the other. “Maybe we did? I think it was unwritten… pretty much assumed after not being in contact with him for six months.”

“How are you two getting along then now?”

“Good?” Doyoung raised his eyebrow. “I mean, it’s good to see him again, and now that we started talking again and going out, it felt good.”

“That’s good then,” Jeongwoo smiled at him. “Breakups terrify me to the core, much more meeting the person who broke your heart.”

He continued. “A breakup rarely extinguishes a person’s feelings and after months of years of separation, in your case, six months, tensions can ease and you can once again find a good rapport with the person you used to be with. But it can be taken even farther when not only complicity is reawakened between you; but feelings of love. Do you feel that?”

“I think it never faded… my love for him never really left,” Doyoung shifted his angle so he could stretch his back as he tried to lean further. It’s past midnight already. “I think my anger and disappointment overshadowed my real feelings towards him.”

“But those were valid feelings,” Jeongwoo pointed out. “You have every right to be mad. But the good thing’s everything’s been sorted out.”

“Yeah.”

“But if it doesn't, you know I like you right, I’m just here.”

“Shut up!”

Time passed and Kim Doyoung looked at the night sky through the window, not puzzling about his spontaneous mental confessions about Jeongwoo earlier, nor about that preposterous notion of letting Junghwan have whatever he wanted.

What happened earlier made his heart skip a beat. He has been feeling off-balance for a little while now and he doesn’t know how to act around Junghwan or what to even think anymore. The feelings he’s experiencing are unsettling, and he has been taken by surprise.

Sometimes, he just has to go with the flow and let time do the course of action.

Love is an incredible feeling that can make a person feel like the happiest person on the planet, but unfortunately when it’s unrequited, or when a person feels it for a person that he had shared a difficult past with, it transforms. In Doyoung’s case, he feels something very strong but hesitation is very present as well.

“But Doyoung-ah? Have you heard from Hyunsuk?” Jeongwoo asked as he emerged from the shower, a towel covering his lower part.

“I haven’t checked my messages, yet. What did he say?”

“Since we have already completed our tasks with Steve,” Jeongwoo paused. “We might be asked to come back.”

“Come back?”

“Yeah, sorry to burst your bubble,” Doyoung looked at Jeongwoo, worry apparent in his eyes. “Your project with Shriner’s… since it wasn’t really connected with 7’Chill… will be cut off.”

“Suddenly? I thought they were fine with the setup?”

“Yeah, given that we still have active tasks under Steve, now that we don’t have, it’s right that we go back.”

“When are we going back?”

“No flight details yet, and we’re still waiting for Steve’s evaluation of the service we rendered.”

“Any estimation?”

“Maybe next week.”

“That soon?”

“That soon.”

“We’re not staying for Christmas?”

“Looks like it.”

“And we’re not going to attend Shriner’s anniversary?”

“We’re not connected to them, really, we’re connected to Steve,” Jeongwoo dried up his hair with his towel. “I am sorry to have delivered a piece of bad news. I know how much you’ve settled here and your feelings with Junghwan, but we need to come back to the Philippines. Our work is there, not here.”

“I know.”

The next day, they found themselves at the park near their neighborhood. There was an area by the basketball courts where Doyoung would sit while Junghwan practiced by himself.

The trees formed a cozy circle facing the courts, their canopies acting as wide, dark umbrellas that kept Doyoung cool. He brought a couple of chips and cups of coffee to warm themselves in the cold weather.

He occasionally flicked his eyes up and watched Junghwan shooting, dribbling the ball with ease, running lay-ups and other complicated skill sets that Doyoung knew nothing about. He’d yet to miss a shot.

He stared as he noticed the dark sky looming above them while he adjust the scarf around his neck. He’ll miss this.

Last night while he was about to go to sleep, he realized that he will take his relocating as a sign that this part of his life means a divergence in their paths again.

It might be easier to convert his relationship to a platonic friendship, but it will only hurt more to draw things out with remaining romantic expectations. He cannot make the same mistakes from the past. He is ready to accept the short-term discomfort, and let Junghwan be a local here in California. Leave the other to find his bliss elsewhere: it is the most loving thing he can do for the both of them.

He is yet to inform Junghwan.

Right as Junghwan was going up to shoot, his eyes met Doyoung’s. The ball left his hands and sailed in a clean arc, bouncing noisily off the rim and over to the other side of the court.

Miss.

Doyoung laughed softly, feeling the heat from his blush creep up his neck. Junghwan watched the ball roll away and put his hands on his hips, shaking his head. He jogged over to where Doyoung sat and plopped down beside him.

“That was your fault.”

“And how do you figure that? I was way over here. I was just merely watching.”

Junghwan leaned close and nuzzled his cheek on the shorter’s shoulder. “You distract me.”

Doyoung felt chills race over his skin and he gently pushed Junghwan away. “Remind me to never attend your practice then.”

“I would love it when you are here.” Doyoung’s heart breaks at the sound of the taller’s voice.

“Not if I get blamed when something goes wrong.”

Junghwan caught his hand and kissed his knuckles softly. “Not possible.”

“Shut up!” Doyoung pulled his hands and eyed Junghwan suspiciously. “Don’t blame me, it’s probably your arms, you’re getting more muscle-y now, they’re too heavy.”

“I thought you love my arms?” Junghwan scooted even closer, chin resting on Doyoung’s shoulder, and stared him up with so much charm.

“Shut up!”

Growing up, Doyoung liked to play soccer, kicking the ball around and practicing his footwork. This, of course, is aside from swimming which was cut short after the demise of his brother. Just thinking about doing something similar made him almost groan with fatigue. He always felt breathless and achy. His condition made him hyperaware of how strong and healthy Junghwan was by comparison. He found himself simply staring at the taller sometimes, his physical endurance no doubt incredible.

“Why do you stare?” Junghwan asked. He tapped Doyoung’s nose with his index finger and the shorter blinked, suddenly embarrassed at having been caught.

“Sorry. I’m just admiring.”

“Oh? You must tell me now.”

“You, sir, are getting in the habit of making me say things I don’t want to.”

Junghwan laughed, his head thrown back, easy. “It’s just my charm.”

“Intimidation, more like.”

Junghwan feigned a hurt look. “Do I intimidate you, Kim Doyoung? But why?”

Doyoung shrugged, rubbing his thumb along Junghwan’s wrist. “Not intimidation, I guess. I just really admire how strong you are.”

“And you don’t think you’re strong?”

The shorter scoffed. “Compared to you? You know, I would totally wrestle you right now if there weren’t children running around the jungle gym and you aren’t looking so endearing right now.”

“You would only further prove my point. And looking endearing? What a word!” Junghwan looked at him surprised. “What have you been reading lately?”

“I’m a writer. I’m good with words.” Junghwan squeezed the shorter’s pinkie. “How is your back?” Doyoung asked. The taller has been complaining about back aches lately which he later claimed to be related to stress.

“Better. It doesn’t hurt as much. I feel so tired, though. All the time. I don’t like it.”

“I imagine your system took a bit of a hit, yet you are still playing basketball. I’ve told you before….”

“Give myself some time to rest? I know.”

“See. You listen to me, too,” Doyoung smiled.

They smiled at each other.

Doyoung doesn't really remember how it began, doesn't remember much of the intricacies that brought him to the current decision he's about to make. All he knows is that when he looks at So Junghwan, though still as handsome as ever as when they first met, still pretty much the same as before, he feels different. The guy looks and acts maturely; he likes it.

“I love you,” Junghwan told him suddenly. When he least expected it, the taller’s face is a few inches away from his. Doyoung closed his eyes.

Junghwan’s lips were soft against his. Caught by a whirlwind of emotions, Doyoung had no mind to fight the minute he felt the warm contact. He felt himself leaning into Junghwan’s touch, melting as he felt a hand journey down his back, gently, but firmly holding him by the waist and pulling him in closer.

Slanting his head, Junghwan deepened the kiss, slipping his tongue easily past Doyoung’s willing lips. The shorter groaned, moving his hands on Junghwan’s neck, practically enticing the man to edge closer. Their bodies were pressed onto one another’s, and Kim Doyoung was almost sure he would’ve fallen to the ground if Chanyeol wasn’t keeping him up.

It was all in bliss and the moment was sweeter than anything Doyoung had ever experienced in the course of his time alone, but when the need arose, his mind clicked and he slowly began to pull away, resting the palm of his hands on Junghwan’s sweaty chest.

Junghwan didn’t push him, granting his silent wish to stop, but he understood by the lack of force given to him that Doyoung wasn’t about to push him away as though nothing had happened.

Doyoung’s heart beats at a faster rate than he could fully realize. Broken and uneven, his breathing was as erratic as his heart. Closing his eyes, he lowered his head against the curve of Junghwan’s neck, holding onto the taller as securely and gently as he could.

Kiss me. Kiss me again.

Junghwan is soon obliged, urged closer by his waist, and Doyoung is being kissed again, this time with a tongue slowly peeking in, measuring his mouth.

Their tongues meet, and Junghwan hums in response. He tightens his hold on Doyoung and tilts his head to the side, until their kiss becomes demanding, taking more and more from each other, fingers pressing against cloth-covered skin.

It lasts only a few seconds until Doyoung breaks their kiss again with a sharp breath and turns to rub their cheeks together as if collecting himself.

Junghwan brings his arms around Doyoung’s neck, pulling them into a close embrace. He swallows and wills himself to relax, mildly caressing Doyoung’s neck, breathing his scent and presence.

Through their close embrace, Doyoung sizes Junghwan’s bigger body. He is only slightly shorter than Junghwan, but his arms have to stretch in order to circle the man’s neck and shoulders. Their upper bodies are flushed against each other, Junghwan’s chest flat but carved with prominent muscles, considerably broader than his and somewhat threatening with its size.

Junghwan nuzzles his jaw, then brings his lips to hover above the crook of Doyoung’s neck. Soft kisses are placed there and Doyoung breathes deeply, his body going a little rigid in hesitation.

Junghwan appears to sense his qualms, and he ceases his ministrations. He pulls back to face Doyoung, slowly carding his fingers through his hair. Doyoung’s eyes flutter shut in response, his body calming with the touch.

Distantly, Doyoung wonders back to their previous exchange, reaching out with his mind to what might have led them to sit so close to each other, and kiss each other, but his mind is blurry and his heart feels very large and heavy in his chest.

“I like your hair,” Junghwan tells him, and Doyoung chuckles.

Moments passed without a word said, but Kim Doyoung felt no sort of embarrassment or regret. He did, however, feel the disappointment in him rise as he quickly came to terms with how easily and hastily he gave in to the passion, but it did not last long. He has to tell Junghwan what he meant in his life.

“Remember the summoning coupons?” Doyoung asked him as he inhaled Junghwan’s overworked scent. He could feel the other nod. “I don’t need those anymore. I need you more than those summoning coupons, So Junghwan.”

Junghwan looked at him, stunned by what he just heard.

“And I love you…” Doyoung looked at him. “Even if it means, loving you from afar.”

“We can work this out,” Junghwan whispered.

“You know?”

“Yoshi told me,” Junghwan held his cheek and gave it a soft peck. “And I have to make sure that I know. I don’t want a repeat of what happened.”

“Me too.” Doyoung nuzzled his nose to the taller’s neck. “What are your plans?”

“Many,” Junghwan replied. “I have an active contract here of three years. I have a long way to go”

“I see,”

“And in those three years, I can’t move out of the country or I’ll be deported.”

“Cruel,”

“Yeah.”

“But, Junghwan-ah?” Doyoung touched the guy’s biceps, running his hands down before intertwining their hands together. “Promise me, to never break me again.”

“I won’t,” the taller replied, tightening the clasp. “This time, I’ll be better. I’m going to treat you better. And this,” Junghwan, using his other hand, took the necklace he gave to Doyoung last night, and flicked the locket open, revealing a picture of him. “…think of this guy every day.”

After a quiet moment, Junghwan leaned over to kiss him.

“I love you, Kim Doyoung,” he said, very close to Doyoung’s lips, and placed another kiss on his cheek.

Doyoung’s eyes open at once, his heart providing a louder knock within his chest, and Junghwan traces his neck with his fingers.

“You are one of the closest people to me, and - what we’re doing- is not madness, at least not as I meant it back at that time.”

“This… it’s just what I want - to be here, with you.”

With his attention carefully held, Doyoung suddenly sniffs, huffing a grunt when he needs to cough against his stuffy nose.

Junghwan chuckled and turned around to fetch his phone, turned on the camera, and took a snap.

“You’re sweet,” Doyoung muttered with a smile, leaning to kiss his cheek again. “But I am scared.”

“I’m scared too,” Junghwan says lightly, remaining close, “probably more than you know. But we can make it, you know?” he begins to gently rub Doyoung’s belly again. “Support each other - work this out as a team, and let things happen.”

Doyoung wipes his nose and breathes deeply. He can’t answer, not right now. He extends his arm to the taller’s shoulder blade instead and draws for an embrace.

Junghwan reciprocates, bending over to Doyoung, and when he comes near enough, Doyoung plants small kisses over his shoulder, holding Junghwan as close to him as possible.

Junghwan stretches to lie halfway on top of Doyoung and presses his hips to Doyoung’s waist, his presence strong, and lasting.

“We’ll be fine, baby,” he murmurs next to Doyoung’s ear.

“Just fine.”

***

- end -