CHAPTER 4: Come To Me

Just before he left, when Junghwan was already standing next to the apartment’s door while wearing his jacket, he leaned over the door jamb, looking thoughtful again. The luggage in his right hand is heavy, but the pain in his heart weighs much heavier.

He is leaving and he doesn’t know when he can come back, and Doyoung is not around. He cannot have a proper goodbye to his lover. It was not easy.

He couldn’t find the right time, and when he does, it did not work for him. They were on the rocks, and Junghwan did not know what to feel about the predicament that they were in. They were in a silent treatment, and he thought it was his fault.

His love for Doyoung is eternal, and he cannot take his love for granted. It pained him that they are going on this certain path. Doyoung does not deserve this, nor does he.

If there is one thing that Junghwan finds himself weak at, it is stress management. When he does, he cannot show his true self: he feels irritated even in the slightest, most trivial moments.

For this reason, it took him a few days to recover when Doyoung confronted him on the issue of text messages reply. And he must admit, he said nasty things. Because words are powerful, Junghwan knows he cannot take them back and he deeply regretted it.

In his defense, Junghwan loves to concentrate on a higher priority task at certain times of the day. Work is his priority when he is in the hospital and he cannot afford to add another distraction by checking his mobile phone every so often just to reply to text messages like ‘have you eaten already’ ‘ring me sometime when you are free.’ He cannot do that.

Another thing was his older brother, Sehun. The guy cannot seem to respect personal choices and spaces.

“I have submitted your application already, and you should be receiving an e-mail by now,” his brother told him suddenly when he went home one night to pick some clothes up.

“What do you mean?” he asked, taking the carton of milk from the fridge. “What application?”

“At Shriner’s,” his brother replied. “Look, I need you to take this seriously and grab it right away.”

“You submitted an application? In California? Without telling me?”

“Yes, in their application portal, I did it for you,” his brother sat down on the couch. “You know what? Sometimes, I feel like you have no plans? You’re slacking. How many nursing graduates this country has produced this year? More than 30,000 and how many vacancies? Only 200? Don’t you see the urgency here?

“Life does not end after graduation, So Junghwan. What is your plan really? Are you satisfied receiving a minimum?”

“I am earning an experience here,” Junghwan reasoned out. He chugged down the glass of milk and head towards the sink. “Besides, what’s the rush?”

“What’s the rush? Are you seriously asking me that question?” his older brother crossed his legs. “You’re not getting any younger.”

“Why are you making it sound like I am not doing anything?”

“Well, are you? Are you doing something? Because I am totally not seeing it. Or I could be blind.”

“What do you expect me to achieve this early in my career? I become a head nurse in an instant? I just got my licensed.”

“I just want to see you exerting effort,”

“I am making efforts here, hyung,” Junghwan felt enraged. He turned the faucet on in full blast with water splattered on the floor. “Don’t make it sound like I am not doing anything, because clearly, I am doing something. Just because you don’t see me working hard, doesn’t mean I am not. It’s hard looking for a job, besides, what’s wrong with that? This is my life,” his urge to eat dinner disappears and has gone down the drain.

“Look at Chanwoo, look at Jaehyun, look how far they’ve reached after graduating. And look at you. Don’t you see the difference?”

“Oh, come on with the comparison! Stop comparing me to them,” he shut off the running water and wiped the sprinkles on the floor by swiping the rug under his feet. “You know what? You’re always controlling. I don’t even get to control what I had to study in college, and now, you want to decide where I will have to work? How about me? How do I know where my place is? Huh? You have unrealistically high expectations of me, which I couldn’t meet consistently. I want to do me, this time, hyung.”

Arguing is the poor version of a conversation. They both chose to be the poorer versions of themselves.

“I only want what’s best for you,” Sehun grabbed the bottle of beer. “So, do not make it sound like I am the villain here.”

“Tell me honestly, hyung, do you feel disappointed in me? Did I not live up to your expectations? Do you feel like what you spent on my university did not pay off?”

“I did not say that,”

“But that’s what I am getting from you. Do not worry, I will pay you when I can,” he wiped the tears. Junghwan couldn’t help but let out a loud sob. His brother is making him lose the confidence that he has been trying to build on his own. He is bawling. “You put me down constantly and you’re downright rude. You are the most exasperating person I’ve ever dealt with!”

“Hey,” Sehun tapped his shoulder. His voice has changed. “Never have I said I am disappointed in you. Never have I put you down. Come here,” Sehun hugged him again.

“Sorry, hyung, if I am not good enough,” Junghwan cried. “Sorry if I will never be enough for you, I promise I will pay you.”

“It’s nothing like that, please do not say that.,”

“Thank you for your concern, hyung, but please,” Junghwan is trembling. “… this time, please allow me to manage things on my own.”

“That’s why you have to decide whether to accept it or not, in case you got accepted,” his older brother broke the hug and went back to the couch. He looked at Junghwan with such intensity before picking up the empty bottle atop the table. “But, let me remind you, you’re not getting any younger, and neither does mom. Make her proud.”

“I will make her proud,” Junghwan promised.

“If you were to ask me, take the opportunity. Isn’t going to California the original plan? It just so happen it arrived earlier than planned.”

“I am not sure,” Junghwan confessed.

“Why? Is there a reason to stay?” the older brought the bottle to his lips and drank the remaining liquid. “Ah… because of Kim Doyoung?”

Junghwan remained silent. The thought of having a long-distance relationship makes him sick. Relationship itself is not easy and a long-distance relationship in itself is a test of time, perseverance, effort, understanding, and communication. In brief, everything.

He already failed in the communication criterion.

“Just a question, are you sure that is even love?”

“What?”

“Are you sure you are gay? Maybe you’re just confused, Junghwan-a.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I was just checking. I mean no harm.”

“There are a lot of people who intended no harm but caused a great deal of it,” Junghwan replied. “Just tell me, hyung, you don’t like me being with a man.”

Hurt is an understatement. Ever since Junghwan announced his relationship with Doyoung to his family, it was only Sehun who had a lot of questions and had made some sarcastic comments which showed how homophobic he is. Today proves his identity.

“I did not mean it that way,” Sehun argued.

“But that’s what you mean,” Junghwan wiped his tears. The longer this conversation continues, the more he will lose his relationship with his sibling. This is getting ridiculous.

“What I am saying is,” Sehun cupped the face of his younger brother and wiped the tears. “… if you ever have to choose between love or career, always find a way to choose both. Because if you don't start creating a balance between both now, it may soon be Doyoung versus your career. Tell him your plan, your choice, and explain to him how much this would mean to you, to our family, and the both of you. The priorities in life in which you will succeed are the ones you make time for now.”

Sehun hugged him again.

“Sorry if I make it feel like I am the bad guy here,” the older one told him. “As your brother and as someone who loves you, I have to do what I need to do even if that means getting in a fight with you. Soon, you’ll understand why I did what I did.”

When Junghwan had the courage to speak with Doyoung, there were a few days left before his departure. His brother Chanwoo had been telling him to inform his lover because it was his right to know what Junghwan’s plans were.

“Is there something that you want to say?” Doyoung asked him. He sat next to him on the bed.

Junghwan could feel the tension and hear the intensity of his voice. There was a great deal of emotion behind Doyoung’s words.

“Actually… I have,” he started. “I’m flying to the US.” There he said it.

Silence enveloped them.

“When are you flying?”

“In three days,” he replied.

“That soon?”

“That soon.”

“If you are set to going there, it’s not like I can stop you, right?”

“The papers are ready… and I have the ticket already.”

“I have a work trip starting tomorrow,” Doyoung said. “I’m going to sleep now.”

“Wait for me? Please,” Junghwan tugged Doyoung’s shirt, making the other scoot closer to him. “I cannot explain everything right now, but I will once I arrive there.”

That night, they made love, and Junghwan noticed the tears in Doyoung’s eyes. He knew why.

His departure day has come and, Junghwan felt empty. With a heavy heart, he hailed a cab on his way to the airport – leaving a very important person in his life.

Life in California was never easy. He was on his own, and he was struggling. Junghwan was used to getting things done. Doyoung prepared everything for him. When he was a student, his mother prepared everything for him. Now, living in a foreign land, he must do things on his own. The cold weather is not helping.

He constantly called home and maintained a strong rapport with his siblings. However, with Doyoung, the silent treatment continued.

He wanted to give him time. Their huge fight has not been settled and he thought it was best not to disturb Kim Doyoung. He doesn’t like it that he will suddenly harass his boyfriend with unwanted calls – on top of what he said to his lover.

He has been fighting his emotions for so long, has believed avoidance and dismissal were the right attitudes to act upon - and his own body has been punishing him in return, lacking his appetite for food and sending blunt sickness to creep just beneath the surface.

He had flirted with other men and went to bars he cannot even pronounce. He needed the distraction. But it did not last long. He had felt his stomach being punched by how barren the kiss had tasted with men other than Kim Doyoung, by how Doyoung had haunted his thoughts during Junghwan’s most private moments with strangers. His world still revolved around the man he left.

The only thing that kept him sane is his relationship with his patients, especially the kids in the ward. They gave him the positive distraction he needed.

Children are afraid of anything that is not a part of their tiny world, Junghwan learned this on his first day of work. Unfamiliar places, new people, grave faces, loud noises, people who scream, and people who do not smile terrify them. They take an instant dislike to anyone who appears threatening to them and once they've decided they do not like someone, no matter what that person does, the child will never go to him or her again. Junghwan maintained a bright smile, always reassuring them that everything will be fine. He instantly became the favorite nurse. His accented English added up to his charm.

The children, and even the parents, call him Nurse So. He later learned that they chose the nickname for easy pronunciation, and he liked it. The attention he has been receiving gave him a sense of self-worth and it merits him the time to temporarily forget his worries.

He worked harder, been into multiple overtime shifts until his body would give up.

He also got a strong shoulder to lean on in the form of Yoshinori.

There is a reason charismatic people are often favorably viewed. It’s not necessarily what they say that makes people listen but rather their energy in how they say it. Yoshinori speaks less and does more.

He was there for him.

“You look tired, take a rest,” Yoshi advised him.

“Thanks,” Junghwan replied. He started undressing his thick jacket, revealing his white uniform.

“No matter how busy the day was, find time to eat well and a nap for a few minutes,” the other guy remind me. “I am cooking ramen, would you like some?”

“I’m good,” he replied. “I need to sleep it off.”

Silence.

“There’s this guy, Kim Doyoung,” Yoshi started as he put the kettle on the stove. “Seems like a good guy,”

“Kim Doyoung? How did you meet him?” he stared at Yoshi while the other was busy boiling water for his midnight snack. He has never met Doyoung in the hospital, as much as he wanted to, he couldn’t get the schedule aligned.

Park Jeongwoo, on the hand, he met him, and they talked. It was short but a really good conversation.

“I was assigned to assist him with the e-mail marketing. Why? Do you know him? Looks like you came from the same town.”

“I know him… quite well.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Junghwan affirmed. “How was he?”

“Good,” Yoshi answered. “Pretty face and a beautiful smile. Quite curious about you.”

“He was?”

“I could tell,” Yoshi transferred the noodles from the kettle to the bowl. “But he said he doesn’t know you.”

“He did?”

“But I could tell he was lying,” Yoshinori eyed him. “He asked if you were in a relationship? He asked if we were a thing.”

“He did?”

“He was trembling, looked betrayed. He had an impression as if we were a thing.”

“What did you say?”

“I told him we aren’t, and that you’re single, but I was paged inside so I wasn’t able to finish what I was supposed to say. I swear to God, he might not sleep well tonight.”

“You should’ve finished it,” Junghwan looked at him, eyes full of panic.

“Why? Does it matter? What’s your relationship with him? Spill.”

Junghwan breathed deeply, recalling his memories from the last conversation he had shared with Doyoung. Yoshi patiently listened to him, replying only when Junghwan goes quiet again.

“Well, Junghwan,” he started, his voice calm, “I’m not sure whether this disappoints you or not, but all of this does not change my mind, I honestly believe, based on your story, it is your fault.”

“I’m glad you were honest,” Junghwan nodded his head.

“Whether I am honest or a liar,” Yoshi wiped the corners of his mouth. “What difference does it make? Look at the results, there was an unofficial breakup. Feels like you two have been estranged for a long time.” He pauses, swallowing down before he has to say this out loud again.

“And you’ve been going around some guys in clubs, that’s cheating.”

The word struck a chord in him.

“Cheating is a choice, So Junghwan, and you chose that. You labeled yourself a cheater,” Yoshi opened the lid of the jam, took a spoonful of it, and placed it on the bread he just sliced. “Now that I know you are in a relationship, I feel bad for Doyoung and I am mad at you. You never mentioned him, you never mentioned you were in a relationship. I could’ve stopped you.”

Yoshi took a bite of the food, chewed it, and drank a glass of soda. He continued.

“And I feel like you both deserve what happened, not on the cheating part though. Imagine, you both decided that the silent treatment is the best way to solve the problem, when in fact, it has worsened your relationship status. Remember, a band-aid cannot heal a wound, but it can infect it further. You know that as a nurse. For the wound to heal, it has to be exposed to various effective treatments. And you both did not do that.”

“So, what do you advice I do?” Junghwan laid down on the couch. “I love him, I still do.”

“And I feel like he feels the same,” Yoshi, finally done eating, sat beside him. “Try to court him again, subtly, do not do it in a rush. One step at a time.”

“But he said he’ll focus on himself,” Junghwan told him. “Wouldn’t that make me a nuisance?”

“Just go with the flow. And tell him you cheated. Do not leave that out, that’s very important. If you deny or leave that fact out from him, you have committed another form of cheating. Do not make me punch your handsome face.”

The concept of going with the flow to Junghwan means visiting Doyoung that very same night. What Yoshi said about Doyoung may be thinking he is in a relationship with him made him restless. It cannot wait for tomorrow. Everything needs to be cleared out tonight.

He knocked on the door, and after a series of knocks, Jeongwoo opened the door, confusion was written all over his face.

“What are you doing in this ungodly time?”

“Is Doyoung there? I need to talk to him,” he bit his lower lip and tried to sway the cold weather away.

“It’s eleven-thirty, Junghwan, and he’s probably asleep by now” Jeongwoo opened the door widely to allow the guy to enter the flat. “Come in. You’re freezing.”

Junghwan muttered soft gratitude before hoping in.

They continue to watch the television, but Junghwan only hears the silence that hangs between them. Park Jeongwoo has left the flat and told them he better sleep at Yoon Jaehyuk to give room to the two and gave each one of them a high five before dashing off.

The man beside him, Kim Doyoung, hasn’t said a single word about anything, hasn’t asked him why he is here, nor has he expressed anything else other than an amiable attitude. He has shown up at a late night’s hour with a bottle of juice in hand.

“Why did you come here?”

Junghwan did not respond at first. It appeared as if he continued to watch the television, but Doyoung senses he was taken aback by the sudden, forthright question.

“I wanted to see you,” Junghwan said eventually, his tone quiet.

A frown slowly forms on Doyoung’s face. He wanted to remain patient.

“You wanted to see me,” he repeated Junghwan’s words quietly, then - “See me for what? For a friendly chat?”

Chris shakes his head slowly, his lips pursed.

“No, not for a friendly chat. Not only for that anyway, as I think it was rather nice. I-” He releases a deep sigh, bringing his hand to rub the back of his neck. “I wanted to see you, here in your flat, so we could talk.”

“Talk about what? About late-night reality shows on TV, what we are watching right now? About how cold the weather is?”

Junghwan bit his lip and kept his mouth shut as he tried to calm himself.

“What I mean is that I want things to be better between us. We… We haven’t spoken much lately, and I am not sure what to make of it. ”

Doyoung listened attentively, his body warming up as their conversation deepened.

“What you said when we first meet outside that building, about you still love me, it was really nice. And it gave me hope maybe we can still work things out, we can start small, I can start small and gradually put things back again from where they should be.”

Doyoung was silent.

“It made me want to talk to you, here in your apartment, alone, and so I came. And I want to clear things up that nothing has happened to me between Yoshi, the nurse you had a conversation with earlier at work. He’s a good friend, but we are not like that,” Junghwan took a deep breath. “We are not in a relationship, although…”

“Although what?” Doyoung looked at him. “Although what?”

“I went out and met a few guys, but I swear to anyone who’s in heaven that it was a no strings attached meeting.”

Doyoung did not react to that.

“I am not perfect, a cheater, and a total asshole, and I am deeply in the regret stage right now,” Junghwan told him. “I swear to God, I regret everything I said.”

“I know,” Doyoung said. “The more you open your mouth, Junghwan, the less I know you. So, please stop talking.”

“Sorry,” Junghwan muttered. The TV screen flashed an advertisement for soap and the sound was left unnoticed.

“I want to apologize too, for being so immature and refusing to acknowledge that I am at fault too,” Doyoung looked at him. “Sorry.”

Junghwan smiled at him and for some reason, a thorn has been evicted from his heart and he felt lightweight.

“I shouldn’t have… I should have let you explain that night instead of sleeping it off, we could’ve endured everything,” Doyoung looked like he was about to cry and it broke Junghwan’s heart. He cannot afford to see the love of his life cry again.

He held Doyoung’s hands, clasped them together to his, brought them to his lips, and give them a strong kiss.

They remained silent for a while.

He missed this silence. They used to share this type of silence: unprovoked, tensionless, just pure silence.

“I am offering you three summoning coupons,” Junghwan proposed. Doyoung looked at him, confused.

“What’s that? All of a sudden.”

“You can use that however you want, just call me and I will be there,” Junghwan held his hands. “If you used up all those coupons, that means you need me. That means you need me in your life. This is the only way I could think of getting things done slowly, Kim Doyoung. Summoning coupons.”

“But you slept with another men?”

“Sorry,”

“Don’t apologize to me, Junghwan. It wasn’t my dignity that you destroyed,” Junghwan’s eyes bulged at the statement. Coming from Doyoung, it hurt so much. “You destroyed yours yourself. So, do not make it sound like I owe you an explanation for the things you did.”

He was quiet.

“You know, once a cheater is always a cheater, right?” Doyoung faced him. “How can I trust you again?”

Junghwan could not answer. He did not know how to respond.

The first summoning coupon was used earlier than Junghwan expected, and he was ecstatic he had almost given the child patient his wrong medicine.

“Desperate right now, I’m going to use this imaginary coupon you gave me last night. ASAP.”

With Yoshi taking a short vacation to Colorado to meet some family friends, Kim Doyoung was left on his own.

Junghwan took the chance to be the hero.

Sacramento, the state capital of California, is a storied city with a long history and several visitor attractions. It's about a hundred and fifty kilometers northeast of San Francisco within the Central Valley of California. Notably, the city sits at the confluence of the Sacramento and American Rivers. Junghwan, being a first-timer in the US, noted that the city is massive.

“We’re heading towards?” he asked Doyoung as they strode down the wet streets.

“McKinley Park. Do you know where that is?” Doyoung asked. He has a beanie on and his neck is covered with a shoal. He looked snugly like that.

“Yeah, it's just a few blocks away from here,” Junghwan told him. “Just follow me and you’ll have a blast.”

They passed by multiple stores and they made some stops to look around. Junghwan wasn’t really looking around, he was just staring at Kim Doyoung and everything that he does. It gave his brain a chemical pay off when he is observing the person of his affection.

“We’re here,” he announced when they saw the large sign that prints the park’s name.

“Cool cool,” Doyoung smiled at him. “You’re still wearing your work uniform.”

“I am,” Junghwan smiled sheepishly. “Looks like l got too excited to change into something else when I received your message.”

Doyoung just laughed. “You could’ve changed into something more comfortable.”

“No worries, you’re making me comfortable,” he blurted out. He liked the way Doyoung blushed at that and turned away. “I’m telling the truth.”

“Shut up! Let’s just get inside.”

“We’re just touring the area,” Doyoung told the receptionist upon entering.

“Yeah sure, may I know the purpose?” the American asked.

“It’s for Shriner’s Children Hospital,” Doyoung filled in. “…for their 70th anniversary, they are planning to have the event here next month.”

“We have community centers at the far right and an auditorium that can house over a hundred people, one-fifty maximum.”

“Can we take a look?”

“Sure sure, but we’re currently short-staffed right now, winter and all, so no one can come with you, but the amenities here are open, feel free to look around,” the American smiled at them.

“Thank you!”

There was huge puddle of mud in front of them and they were both laughing as they find ways how to cross it.

“I did not know the ice are melting here,” Doyoung joked.

“Here,” Junghwan bent his back urging Doyoung to ride on his back. “Hop in or we’ll be here until tomorrow.”

“I can’t,”

“Why not?”

“I am heavy!”

“The last time I check, you weren’t,”

“I am heavier now,” Doyoung insisted.

“Come on,” Junghwan laughed while holding Doyoung’s hand. “Or if you do not like, I’ll just carry you like this-“

“Oh my God, you might drop me-“

“Hold on tight!” And just like that, Junghwan swept Doyoung on his feet, and carried him like a lovely bride – one arm under his legs and the other supporting his. Instantly, probably due to the fear of falling down, Doyoung wrapped his arms around Junghwan’s neck while burying his face to the man’s shoulder.

Just like the old times, Junghwan’s heart skipped a beat, letting the fact that Doyoung is so close at him sink in.

When they successfully crossed the puddle, Doyoung looked concern at Junghwan’s now muddy shoes.

“I look like I have visited a farm,” Junghwan joked.

“Sorry,” Doyoung looked at him feeling sorry.

“No problem, let’s just go. We can drop by at the toilet and clean this up.”

The second summoning coupon came the day after.

“Do you fancy a walk?” Junghwan called Doyoung the next morning. He could not believe how shameless he is for initiating it, but he could not just stop especially that they have started to established what has been disconnected.

“Today?” the other person on the line sounded like he just woke up.

“Did I wake you up?”

“Yeah,”

“Oh, shoot, sorry.”

“It’s fine, I was just waking up anyway. So today? Why? What’s with a walk?”

“Maybe you could use your summoning coupon? I thought maybe you could use that today?”

“Okay.”

“Santa Monica Beach is one of LA's busiest beaches thanks to its accessibility,” Junghwan told Doyoung as soon as they stepped in the entrance gate. “Not only is the beach a popular tourist destination thanks in large part to the pier, but locals also love it since it's easy to get to from downtown and other parts of LA. And it's walking distance to plenty of restaurants and shops.”

“Sounds like you studied before coming here,” Doyoung looked at him suspiciously.

“I did, I had to be the tourist guide.”

The winter sunset looks pretty and they found themselves walking along the baywalk. They could see the infamous Santa Monica Pier from the distance, seagulls hovering above the cold sea.

Doyoung looked good in his black hoodie and it’s a good thing it isn’t snowing.

“It’s been a long time,” Doyoung mentioned while spreading his arms, taking in a deep breath. “I love the smell of the sea.”

“Have you recovered?” Junghwan asked carefully. Doyoung looked at him and smiled at him.

“I guess so, I managed to swim back to the lagoon where it happened.”

“Good,” Junghwan spread his arms too in an attempt to copy Doyoung and let out a deep breath before inhaling. “…it’s good to know you’re doing well, Doyoung.”

“It took me a lifetime,” Doyoung replied. “My brother, he was my protector, he was always there for me, even until the day he died. He protected me, he saved me.”

Junghwan did not say anything, instead, he laced his fingers to Doyoung’s hand and pulled him in a tight hug.

“Sorry,” he apologized for his actions before breaking the hug. Doyoung did not reply.

They sat down on the sand while watching the people pass them by.

“Have you ever thought of coming here? Could you believe it?” Junghwan asked, looking at Doyoung, who was staring at the vast ocean.

“Never,” he replied. “Really, sometimes, I could think this maybe a dream or an illusion. The events, they are too good to be true. What did I do in my past life to deserve this?”

“You’re liking it?” Junghwan asked.

“So-so,” Doyoung replied. “There are prons and cons, but the advantages outweigh the cons.”

“That’s glad to hear,” Junghwan smiled at home.

“You?”

“Me?”

Doyoung nodded.

“Well, the first months were never easy,” Junghwan chuckled as he reminisce those bad old days. “But I managed, at least, here I am today.”

“Yoshi told me you’ve made a name for yourself in the ward,” Doyoung stretched his neck.

“Yeah, they call me Nurse So, and I love it.”

“That’s a cute nickname.”

“You think so?”

“I think so. It suits you.”

“The nickname?”

“Yeah, and being a nurse in general. Looks good on you.”

“Thank you!”

“Haven’t I told you before?”

“That?”

“Never mind,”

“Hey!” Junghwan held Doyoung in place as the latter tried to stand, escaping. “You told me what?”

“It’s not nothing,” Doyoung tried to get away but Junghwan is stronger. He tuckled the shorter one and they’re both on the sand with Doyoung under him. “You cannot get away from me without telling me what.”

Doyoung chuckled as he tried to get away. “I told you it’s nothing.”

“Oh, come on!” Junghwan held Doyoung in place. For a second, Kim Doyoung stopped wiggling and both of them are staring at each other.

His heart was melting when he looked into Doyoung’s eyes. Junghwan saw his eyes change into stormy passion. He saw in the shorter’s eyes the same amount of fervor that Junghwan has been harboring and the more he stared at him, the more he is convinced that he loves this person.

He stared down on his lips, those pink lips that he missed to capture. How much Junghwan would want to take this moment to taste those lips again but he’s afraid Doyoung will run away from further. He needed to respect him.

“Would you love some photographs?”

They looked at the source of the voice and see a smiling man with his camera ready to take some snaps.

They both sat, cleaning the grain of sand that were sticking on their hoodies.

“For free,” the photographer added.

They both looked at each other.

“Why not?” Junghwan stood up. He urged Doyoung to do the same, and he complied.

“Okay cool, cool,” the photographer positioned himself, ready to take a picture.

“How do you like us to pose?” Junghwan inquired.

“However you like, just give me something… like the lovely couple that you two are.”

Kim Doyoung laughed at the instruction but did not hesitate to do it anyway. The photographer gave them another shot.

“Could you take your hoodie off?” the photographer asked Doyoung.

“Why?”

“So that you’ll look good better, black contrasts his hoodie color,” pointing towards Junghwan, who was wearing a grey hoodie.

“Sure sure,” he took off the hoodie and revealed he had another grey jacket on him.

“There, good good. Make a heart pose for me please. There. One, two, three, and smile!”

After the short informal photoshoot, the guy came to them and thanked them.

“You guys not American?”

“We’re Filipinos,”

“Sweet people, I know some, lovely people.”

“Good to hear that,” Junghwan smiled. “Thanks for today.”

“My pleasure, see you, mates. Stay in love, and oh, by the way, would like me to take photos of you using your phone? I’m just collecting photos, no website yet. And it would be impossible to share the photo I just took today with no laptop at hand.”

“Yeah sure sure, that would be great.”

They did the same pose.

“Do you think it is okay to eat ice cream during winter?” Junghwan asked as they walk to the park heading to the pier.

“I don’t know, you’re the nurse.”

“Good point,” Junghwan winked at him. “But I think it okay, given that they are selling one in the middle of the cold days.”

Doyoung sat on the available bench. Junghwan glimpsed once again at the other and runs his hand through his hair until his fingers lightly massage the back of his neck. Doyoung really looked attractive even from afar.

“Hello.”

Doyoung tilted his head and looked at him. Junghwan glances to meet his gaze.

“May I join you?”

“Sure,”

“But before I do, what ice cream flavor would you like?”

“Surprise me.”

He came back with a cone of chocolate-flavored ice cream.

There is only silence between them at first, and Junghwan lets himself settle back, his eyes idly watching the people passing them by. The lights are on and they could see the beauty of Santa Monica beach at night. It’s majestic.

They haven’t touched each other for almost half a year, haven’t shared even the smallest of kisses since forever, and Junghwan does not know when will they have another chance to spend further time in private especially since the hospital anniversary is fast approaching. Doyoung’s schedule might be packed.

“I have something for you,” Junghwan announced suddenly, his voice a little rough from the cold food and weather.

“Oh?” Doyoung said, intrigued.

“Yeah,” Junghwan murmured, then reaches into his hoodie’s pocket, took a small paper bag, and placed it on the bench beside Doyoung.

Doyoung looked at the object, and eyed Junghwan who gave him a nod and took it. His mouth curved into a smile.

A birthday gift.

“I wanted to give it to you outside earlier on, but I figured this is an as good opportunity as any.”

“You remember?”

“December 4. Of course, everything about you, I remember.”

Doyoung slowly opened the small paper bag and spilled its contents into his palm.

He eyed the object resting between his fingers, and once he recognized its shape, he inhaled sharply through his nose, then closes his fingers over the ornament in his hand.

“This… I wanted you to have something nice. Really nice, that is, for your birthday,” Junghwan said quietly, his fingers holding rigidly onto bench.

Carefully, with his lips slightly parted, Doyoung unclenches his fingers, gradually exposing the small object in his palm.

There, in the center of his hand, lay a silver pendant of a flower, and it looked beautiful. He recognized what the flower is right away. He knew it by heart.

“Ranunculus,” he whispered.

“It is,” Junghwan looked at him. “It still symbolizes the same, Doyoung. I am still enthralled with your charm, and will always be. You mean a lot to me, and this - I wanted to give this to you.”

Utterly speechless, Doyoung stared at the necklace. This gift is nothing short of breathtaking.

“This is beautiful,” Doyoung muttered weakly, his mouth growing dry.

“Just like you,” Junghwan looked him in the eye. For the first time in a while, Junghwan saw something in Doyoung’s eye that made his heartbeat grew fast.

It gave him hope, a glimmer of a chance that what he is doing now might be worth it.

“Do you love it?” Junghwan asked, nervous.

“I do,” the other looked at him and smiled at him. “Very much.”

Do you still love me? Junghwan wanted to ask but opted not to.

“Would you… would you like to wear it now?” the taller asked.

“I’d love to,” Doyoung replied, giving the necklace to Junghwan. “Do it for me?”

Before they call it a night, Junghwan asked for a photo to be taken which Doyoung obliged happily.

They hugged before going on separate ways.