CHAPTER 2: Orange

Under the bright city lights, the man approached him. Slowly, Doyoung can finally get a glimpse of the man’s face. His bangs moved up and down as he took long strides to Doyoung. Still tall as ever, still handsome as ever.

He does think that the chance of meeting someone again in the future is likely. There are many stories where people have walked their paths, leaving memories and people behind, only later in life stumbling across each other, reconciling lost memories and bonds. But, this will be different, he felt it already.

Under the pretense that he has moved on, Kim Doyoung stood up and with trembling hands, he wiped the tears running down his cheeks. This is the person he missed the most, and as much as he wished to see him, he hoped this isn’t the time yet.

This is not the right time, furthermore, not the right moment.

He took a deep breath and so does the man in front of him.

“Is that seat taken?”

Under the bright city lights, So Junghwan asked him the very first question Doyoung was asked when they first talked at Loey’s, and the guy is wearing a blue hat.

Deja vu.

He couldn’t tell if the man’s head is shaved smooth on the sideburns due to the cap he is wearing, but he is clean and relatively neat, and he doesn’t have dark circles under his eyes.

He’s doing fine, Doyoung noted, and has gotten a lot taller. In the span of six months, Junghwan felt like a new person. His eyes were as deep and expressive as his brown coat. He still has the scar on his cheek.

Doyoung wanted to stand and leave but the heavy feeling in his head glued him to the ground as if the gravity is too strong in the specific area.

How is he doing fine when I am not?

Doyoung did not know what has gotten into him, but his right hand moved on its own accord, collected all the force that was left in him, and gave Junghwan a hard slap on his right face. It must’ve been so hard because the latter was reeling, sending him to the ground.

His tears were flowing non-stop and Doyoung couldn’t make sense of what is happening right now. Junghwan stood in front of him again, pain apparent in his face. His right cheek has turned pink, but Doyoung did not feel any sense of guilt. He felt remorseful.

“I deserved that,” Junghwan whispered. “I deserve that.”

At this unexpected, raw statement, Doyoung furrowed his brows, his mouth pressed firmly shut. With an uneven breath, he cleared his throat.

“Why are you here?” Doyoung asked.

“I missed you,” Junghwan answered. “And I have been a total asshole.”

“You left me,” Doyoung raised his voice. “You left me. You are more than an asshole.”

“I’m sorry,” Junghwan stepped closer but the other stepped backward. He exhaled tiredly when he looked at Doyoung, seeing that his eyes are puffy, rimmed with red, knowing that there’s a fair chance that those unmistakable clues may remain visible for long hours to come. “Doyoung, please-“

“Stop,” Doyoung held his hand out. “Just, please stop.”

“I know I hurt you,” Junghwan started again. “But please hear me out. Trust me, Doyoung.”

“And now, it’s suddenly my burden to trust you or not? Just how fast the night changes,” Doyoung huffed a chuckle at this. “Hear you out? Look, I have no idea what you went through, and you do not have any idea what I went through too. You have no idea how much I questioned myself. How did I ask what am I to you? What am I even to you? Am I just an experiment?”

“No…please don’t say that,” Junghwan took a deep breath. He suddenly looked tired, desperate. “You’re the love of my life.”

“Love of your life, my ass,” Doyoung snickered. More snowflakes were falling; he was shivering. Doyoung continued, considering his next words. “How do you define the love of your life, then? Leaving him out of all of your plans? Asking him for understanding when he did not even understand what you were saying? Asking him to wait without calling him? I waited for you,” he choked on his saliva. “I waited for you, So Junghwan. But you were never there.”

“Doyoung, please listen to me-“

“And now that I am okay, you’re suddenly barging in as if nothing happened? You’re taking advantage of the fact that you know how to get me. Just one smile, one sorry, one hug from you, and my world will stop spinning for you. Dammit!”

“I’m sorry,”

“And what makes that sorry different from all your other sorries before?” Doyoung closed his eyes and shakes his head, bowing his head down with a faint sigh. “I deserve an explanation. I need an acceptable reason.”

“I just had to make a choice,” Junghwan tried to answer. “I had to make a choice.”

“Yet, you chose to break my heart,” he sniffled. He could already feel his tears drying and getting chilled and it’s burning his face. “And here I am trying to get back the life that was lost ever since you left me, and then came you.”

Junghwan did not respond.

“I understand you, Junghwan, alright? This is a good opportunity for you: greener pasture, a boom in your career, a new environment. If you stayed in the Philippines, you’ll only get a minimum wage. I get it. But what I don’t get is,” Doyoung paused. “…is the fact that you kept everything a secret. Fuck! You already knew you were flying a month before, how come…how come you never told me? We’ve been together for a year and you know all my plans, fuck you! I trusted you.”

“Please, Doyoung, please-“

“Please what?” Doyoung snapped. “We’ve been together for a year, Junghwan, and in that year, never, never have I not included you into my plans. I counted you in my future,” Doyoung wiped the tears that are still streaming from his eyes.

“I was selfish. I should’ve talked to you.”

“And you opted not to. How many times have I tried to talk to you, Junghwan, how many times have I tried getting you into a conversation, you always say not now.”

“We were not on speaking terms and I was afraid that if I talk to you…you’ll get mad and we’ll get into a fight.”

“Breaking news! Here we are!” Doyoung raised his voice again. “It has always been me, hasn’t it? It’s all my fault. Do you still feel suffocated in this conversation? Because the last time I checked I have been harassing you with love.”

“Sorry, I was wrong. And now that I see your pain-“

“No, don’t act like you know my pain,” Doyoung cut him off. “You don’t know anything about me. Ever since you left, So Junghwan, a part of me has left too, and I have been trying to fill this hole out and I realized today, I don’t need you to make me complete again.”

The lights from the building have turned orange, illuminating the place entirely. Doyoung used to like orange, it’s the color of transition. It is always the transitory color of the season: leaves turn orange from summer to fall, and the sky turns orange at dusk preluding nighttime. But now, it has a new meaning to him. It’s a color of pain and desperation. He can see it in Junghwan’s face.

Under the orange light, he can see the hurt in Junghwan’s face, and as much as he deserved it, Doyoung felt a pang in his chest.

“Can you hear me out? Please.”

“Speak.”

“Sehun-hyung, he was the one who processed everything for me. I did not even know he did it,” Junghwan explained, his cheeks turning red. “…until I received a call from Shriner’s who told me I passed the initial screening. I decided to decline it but Sehun-hyung persisted I should try saying opportunities do not come as we pleased.

“I was really stressed out about it, and there were issues in the hospital at that time and I got medicines mixed up and I was not myself then. I have been going on a lot of stress.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? I was your boyfriend, Junghwan, for Christ’s sake!”

“I did not want to bother you, I was afraid I was getting your way,” Junghwan looked at him in the eyes, sincerity flashed on his face.

“What do you mean?”

“You have your plans, and I feel like everything has been ironed out already, I don’t want to be the crumple in your cloth.”

“I would have changed my plans for you,” Doyoung told him. “Funny how all my plans turned out to be complete trash. You know what? That day when I found you were flying here, I received an offer from Mashi, but I took it down for you because I found a reason to stay, and it was you. Imagine how my world tore apart when I knew you did not include me in your plans.”

Doyoung bit his lower lip, eyes everywhere but on Junghwan. Then, Junghwan moved closer with those eyes that look so deeply into his own.

“I messed up big time,” Junghwan admitted. “I should’ve let you know; I should’ve talked to you.”

“But you didn’t,” Doyoung responded. “At least we both know what really happened. I am freezing already, and I cannot keep this any longer. This is going nowhere. This needs to stop.”

He dropped all his worries in the conversation and decided to walk away. The cold is biting, and he can already feel the tears getting chilled on his skin again. He felt a tug on his left arm.

“Do you still love me? What should I do?” he heard the taller asked. Doyoung could feel Junghwan pulling toward him; this time Kim Doyoung allowed him. He hugged him and Doyoung allowed him because he yearned for it.

The hug was like a warm blanket wrapped around a person who is shaking, cold, and wet. But it did not last long.

“I still love you, Junghwan,” Doyoung confessed. The other guy stiffened at the confession. “But, this time, I will focus on loving myself more…even if that means staying away from you.”

Though worn out and weary, when Doyoung finally lies on his bed, he directs his gaze to the grey ceiling thinking how things would’ve become if they talked everything out in a mature manner.

They thought time would heal everything, but it did not. Time became a band-aid, it covers the wound but not totally healed it.

He hardly slept that night.

***