CHAPTER 6: Telephone

November comes with the May summer heat, and Doyoung found himself sweating while sorting the papers on his desk. He got a probationary position at the government’s Public Attorney’s Office. He has an active contract of eleven months. He found it easy and comfortable especially since he doesn’t know what to do with his life right now. An eleven-month contract can keep him on his toes while planning out the next journey he’d like to take. He decided to live his life at the moment rather than worrying about the future.

Life as an individual is different, Doyoung realized. He has to balance and budget the money he has been earning. Paying the bills is proven tiresome but it’s a good practice.

He took a sip from his water bottle and folded the papers that needed to be notarized. He waited for the clock to hit five o’clock.

His job is not that difficult. He usually stays at the reception to accept papers and then deliver them to the respective on-duty lawyers.

Junghwan, on the one hand, was able to squeeze himself into Luke’s Hospital: the same hospital where he had his internship. He passed the licensure exam last month and they were both happy.

They live together as well. Junghwan managed to move out of his home with approval from his mother and his brothers. They did the room decoration together and bought the necessary kinds of stuff inside.

While their rest days do not match with Doyoung’s during the weekend and Junghwan’s over the weekdays, they still manage to spend quality time together. They still manage to go to the Baywalk at night and talk as if they have not conversed enough before going to sleep.

Doyoung sprung from his seat when the clock hit five. He’ll be going out for groceries before heading home.

The grocery is a big building. It sits on the edge of Sta. Barbara between the residential neighborhoods and the industrial and commercial buildings in the city downtown. He has been to this place multiple times already even when he was still struggling as a student.

He certainly took a longer amount of time while picking out the things he needed for the week. When he was finished, he heads to the food station in the back. It was crowded and he did not like it, but he had to go there to tend to his hungry stomach.

There isn’t much on the menu – just burgers and various drinks. Junghwan is probably on duty right now. He ordered a set for himself.

“Doyoung?”

He looked back at the source of the voice.

It’s Junghwan’s ex-girlfriend.

“It’s you,” Jane moved forward. She looked beautiful as ever.

“Hi,” he greeted awkwardly.

“We did not…” she paused while adjusting the paper bag in her hand. “…officially meet.”

“You could say that,” Doyoung answered.

“I just saw you and I thought I could say hi.”

“Thank you,” he said with a smile.

“How’s Junghwan?” Of course, she would ask that. It has become known after graduation that Doyoung and Junghwan were a thing. The information spread like wildfire. Some did not pick up the news well, some did.

“He’s doing good.”

“And you?” she asked him. Contrary to what he heard from other people about her, she does seem kind, like what Junghwan would like to describe her.

“I’m good. Just got out from work and doing some little grocery shopping,” Doyoung responded. “What’s popping?”

“I just got out from my internship,” she said. Doyoung looked confused only to realize that the lady is an engineering student, which means by the time Doyoung and Junghwan left the university, Jane is still studying in her final year.

“You must be tired,” he commented.

“A little. I’m glad everything’s good on your end,” she said. “I should…. I should go. Nice to meet you again.”

“Likewise,” he replied.

He went home feeling weird.

The next morning at six, Junghwan came home feeling tired. Doyoung hugged him on the doorstep and took his bag.

“Good morning,” Junghwan whispered in his ear. “I missed you.”

“Already? We just saw each other from the call last night,” Doyoung looked at him in the eye and pat the taller’s head. “I love you, giant.”

“I love you more.”

He must admit he missed the giant. Ever since Junghwan started the night shift, Doyoung can feel how silent their flat is and how much their conversation has gotten short from greetings to exchanges of I love you’s and nothing more.

It has become a routine: Doyoung arriving at their empty flat, and Doyoung greeting his boyfriend and allowing him to sleep right away. They make occasional phone calls but that would mean staying up late for Doyoung.

“I prepared your favorite omelet,” he announced as he could see the other change clothes.

“Thanks,” the other replied. Junghwan walked around their dining table in his boxers before taking the carton of milk from the fridge, drinking it in one go, and smelling the omelet. “I’m going to dig on this later. I just need to close my eyes.”

“Okay cool,” Doyoung said in disappointment.

“Thank you,” Junghwan gave him a peck on the lips before reuniting to the bed and blanket.

Doyoung left their flat that morning with a feeling he’ll arrive later with the omelet left untouched.

He was true.

If there is one thing that Doyoung dislike about Junghwan is his inability to reply to messages. He wasn’t asking for an immediate response, but at least an acknowledgment that the message was received will do. The giant seems to not see the importance.

There were days that he would just greet him, yet he would receive no response. It was not as if the other guy has changed because he has always been like that unless Junghwan was the first one to initiate the conversation via text.

There are instances he thought the unresponsiveness has gone too far.

The week after next, Doyoung decided he has had enough.

“You never return my texts,” he blurted out as soon as he arrived at the dining room. He took out the goods he bought from the supermarket. He texted the giant to pick him up because he bought a lot of things yet he did not receive any responses. He waited and waited, standing outside the building. Until the clock hits seven in the evening that he realized all hopes for the appearance of the giant have gone down the drain.

“Sorry, I was busy reading,” the other reasoned out. It was Thursday which meant Junghwan is off from work. He stood up and set the book he was holding aside.

Doyoung did not say anything. He unpacked the goods from the paper bag.

“Is something wrong?” Junghwan asked softly as he stood beside the shorter one.

“Nothing,” he answered. The taller one kissed him on the cheek and placed his head on the shoulder.

“I hate it when you do this,” Junghwan said.

“Do what?”

“When you are like that,” he reckoned the other to face him. “Ignoring me, torturing me with your silence. I feel like you wanted me to guess what’s wrong.”

Doyoung ignored him, faced his back, and proceeded with putting fresh goods inside the fridge.

“If you won’t talk then I’ll just shower and go to bed,” Junghwan announced.

“Wait,” Doyoung held his hand out. “I am just thinking of a proper way to say this without sounding stupid.”

“What is?” Junghwan sat down.

“You know,” Doyoung sighed. “Sometimes, you make me feel like you don’t care for me at all.” There, he said it.

Junghwan did not respond.

“See? You don’t show any reaction.”

“What do you want me to do?” Junghwan stood up, his voice starting to raise a higher pitch. “Be hysterical?”

“You seldom text me back,” Doyoung continued. “And even when I text you, it took you hours to reply. You don’t even ask me how am I doing in my work.”

“Is this about me not replying to your messages earlier?” Junghwan’s face turned red. “I told you I was reading, how can I reply to you when I am reading?”

“It’s not only today, it happens all the time,” Doyoung took the eggs into the tray. He walked passed the other as he headed toward the sink to clean the fish he bought. “You can’t even show me that you care as you used to before.”

“What do you mean? You think I don’t care?”

“You don’t show it,” he grimaced at the smell of the fish. He let the water run over the fish.

“You want me to be honest with you?” Junghwan looked mad, Doyoung can sense it. His boyfriend rarely raises his voice.

“Come on, tell me,” Doyoung challenged. He turned off the running water and faced the giant.

“I can’t stand the fact that you text me more than ten times a day. Come on, I am an adult. I am doing just fine. I work, I go home.”

“Wait-“

“Please let me talk.”

“So you… read my messages?”

“And please do not expect that from me either,” Junghwan continued, totally drowning the smaller’s voice. “Don’t think that to show someone you care…is you have to harass him with love and affection because, I? I cannot stand that.”

It him hard.

Doyoung remained silent. Junghwan was suffocated. He caused it. He bit his lower lip and tried to will the tears from coming down his eyes. He turned the tap water on and cleaned the fish slowly.

“I have an overtime today,” he heard Junghwan say and left, locking the door loudly.

When he lay on his bed that night, Doyoung cried. The full moon outside allowed his room to look brighter amidst the general absence of lighting. The thin curtains waved gently against the wind.

He contemplated what happened earlier. There was a rift between them. Doyoung always felt it ever since they started working. Words are barely exchanged, and love language is barely shown, causing different misinterpretations.

They felt so close yet so far. The issue is not with the distance anymore. Distance did not matter to them nor did the fact they rarely get to spend time with each other. To Doyoung, there is more and he doesn’t want to assume they are falling out of love.

Junghwan is getting cold in their relationship. Or it could be Doyoung’s fault, he was open to the possibility.

The next few days were his attempt to redeem and salvage what’s left to them. But it was a failure. Fear got him. He was afraid if he’d talk, the other would lash out and all hell will break loose. He was afraid that if he tried to fix it, the more Junghwan will feel tired. He doesn’t want to suffocate the other further.

They took the silent treatment path and never talked about what happened.

Junghwan will still arrive from his work feeling tired and Doyoung moves forward with his routine.

Like the climate, their relationship began to change. From the vibrant spring and summer color to the monochromatic, dull, and pale winter. They became unfamiliar with each other.

Weeks turned into three months. They managed to survive.

He received a call from an unknown number during his lunch. He was not able to catch it, so he tried calling the number instead in case it has something to do with his job.

“Hello,” he started after the line has been picked up. “This is Kim Doyoung from the PAO. You called?” No one answered but he can hear heavy breathing from the other line. “Hello? Are you there?”

“Doyoung? This is Mashi, your bestfriend!”

Doyoung has to pull his phone away from his ear from the loud squeal Mashiho just emitted.

“I’m on your right!”

When Doyoung turned around, Mashiho was standing at the office’s entrance. He was holding what seem to be cups of coffee.

“I missed you, buddy!” They broke the hug. It’s been ages since the last time he saw his best friend. He flew immediately to Japan after graduation, leaving all the job opportunities that await him, including Doyoung.

“You look great,” Mashiho commented. They went outside the office and sat on the available bench.

“You too, silly!” Doyoung couldn’t believe his best friend is there.

“Going strong with Junghwan, huh?”

“Yeah,” he was not sure if he was telling the truth.

“I came here because I have a proposal for you. I can’t stay in the country for long though, that’s why I came to you right away.”

“Proposal?”

“You know I am teaching dance lessons in Japan, right?” Doyoung nodded. “Our school needs an English teaching assistant.”

“And you want me to fill in the position?”

“You’re the only one I could think of, and it is a good opportunity.”

“I don’t know,” Doyoung replied. Choices are life-changing. Rushing for an answer is hard to do.

“Think it hard, please,” Mashiho stood up. “I hope you could visit Japan soon. You’ll love it there.”

“I will, thank you, Mashi.” Doyoung stood up as well. “Even when we’re working individuals, you still look for me.”

“Of course,” Mashiho grinned at him. “You’re special to me Kim Doyoung.”

“By the way,” Doyoung looked at Mashiho then glanced at his watch. It’s still twelve-thirty. “How are things with Nicah?”

Mashiho got himself a girlfriend before he left for Japan and he seemed infatuated with her. The news made Doyoung happy.

“She’s doing fine,” he answered. “We were engaged.”

“No way!”

“Yes way!” Mashiho exclaimed.

“For real?”

“For real,” Mashiho confirmed.

“When is the wedding?” the other asked enthusiastically. “Will it be held here in the Philippines?”

While Mashiho is based in Japan, Nicah is working as an HR personnel in one of the biggest malls here in the province. Doyoung just did not get the chance of meeting the lady.

“I am afraid the wedding won’t push through,” he said sadly.

“What do you mean the wedding won’t push through? Is it rescheduled?”

“No.” He said flatly. “I told you earlier, we were engaged. Were.” He laughed but Doyoung can see the sadness in his eyes.

“What happened?” he asked slowly.

“Well, I don’t know,” Mashiho started. “I mean, one moment I was working my ass off completing another diploma in theater for my certification, and then another moment my mom called me Nicah is going out with another man.”

“Oh, I am so sorry, Mashiho.”

“It’s fine. Like really, I am doing all great now,” he stated. “So last month, I came here to propose to her and she said yes and we were like talking about what will happen, we discussed things. When I went back to Japan to complete my diploma we did not have proper communication as I was very busy with everything, I swear, Doyoung, everything’s been hard for me there.”

The corners of his eyes are starting to gather water. It must’ve been so hard for him.

“I mean, I worked hard for our future because she wanted our wedding to be big. Until mom called me she is hanging out with another guy. At first, I did not believe her because I trusted Nicah so much until I wanted to surprise her myself and I caught her with the same dude mom told me about. Everything was torn apart.”

They fell silent.

“I still don’t understand why someone has to cheat,” Mashiho continued. He looked like he had not vented everything out. He is holding his tears and Doyoung’s heart is breaking. This is the first he saw Mashiho this disheartened.

“Truthfully, if someone doesn’t like the relationship with his or her current, might as well say goodbye and go on to the next, rather than test the waters, cheat and cheat.”

Doyoung held his best friend’s hand and then squeezed it hard – enough to let him know that he was listening and provide a shoulder to lean on.

“Do you believe that cheating is a choice?” Mashiho asked him as they walked toward the stairs.

“I think so,” Doyoung answered.

“I think so too,” Mashiho answered his own question.

“I’m glad you shared this with me, Mashi.” Doyoung pat him on his back.

“Thanks, mate.”

“Didn’t expect our reunion would be this sad, though,” Doyoung chuckled. “When are you coming back?”

“To Japan?” Doyoung nodded. “Next week, Monday.”

“That soon?”

“That soon,” Mashiho confirmed. “I just wanted to meet my long-lost best friend.”

“Cheesy,” Doyoung smiled cheekily.

“Just a piece of advice though,” they both stopped at the office doorstep. It’s two minutes before the lunch break will end. Doyoung looked at Mashiho and waited for him to continue. “The path of love is never straight, Kim Doyoung, never easy to navigate. Yet when the love is real, fighting for what you have and wading through the difficult times together is as important as ever saying I love you in the first place.”

“That’s wonderful,” Doyoung did not he needed to hear that. “I mean, I love how the way you say it.”

“That’s kind of you.”

Doyoung went to the grocery store in the hope of not getting into a long queue especially since today is a payday. His conversation with Mashiho earlier left an impression on him that what he is doing, of brushing things under the rug, may not be the best solution to what he and Junghwan are going through right now.

Communication is the key.

“Doyoung?”

It’s Junghwan’s favorite brother.

“Chanwoo-hyung,” he greeted. “How are you?”

“Doing great. You?”

“Same,” he smiled. “Grocery?”

“Mom asked me to get something for salad mixing,” the older of the two answered.

“Send my regards to her,” he said.

“You guys are barely visiting,”

“Got stuck with work and all, but we’re planning.”

“By the way,” Chanwoo picked up the basket from the floor.

“Yeah?”

“How are you holding up with Junghwan’s acceptance to Shriner’s Hospital for Children?”

“Shines what?”

“The hospital where our auntie is working in California. He did not tell you yet?”

“Ah-“ Doyoung couldn’t find the right answer. From the silence they have been giving each other, how could Junghwan share any information. Instead, he lied. “He told me, yeah, he did.”

“Finally,” Chanwoo smiled. “He was worried sick about how to tell you. Glad he did, it’s been a long month for him.”

Whole month?

After Chanwoo left, Junghwan’s high spirit left him too. He looked around and he suddenly feels claustrophobic. He forced himself to walk and he made it to the cash register.

He went home in a rush. When he arrived home, he opened Junghwan’s laptop and went to his Gmail. He checked the emails and when he could not find what he was looking for, he made a quick type on the search option. He typed in ‘application’ and five emails appeared: application letter, request received, personal data sheet, receipt, and acceptance letter. All of the emails were addressed to the HR department of Shriner’s Hospital for Children. Moreover, all emails were located in the important folder and dated two months ago except for the acceptance letter.

With trembling hands, he clicked on the acceptance letter and read what was in it.

Dear Mr. So,

Welcome to Shriners Hospital for Children!

The Human Resource Department of Shriners Hospital for Children is delighted and honored to offer you placement in our hospital for our Nurse Interns Batch 2021.

We feel that you will make a valuable contribution to the diverse, distinguished, and motivated nurses in our institution and are confident that you will number among the hundreds of Shriner’s nurses.

We encourage you to create an account on our website using the temporary log-in details provided in the attachment so that you can officially accept this offer of placement and keep abreast on updates from our Human Resource Department pertaining to starting date, processing of your working Visa and other pertinent papers, orientations, suggested medical book readings and video demos, and so forth.

Congratulations and welcome to Shriners Hospital for Children!

HR Team

He checked his boyfriend’s important folder and there he can see flight details and DFA interview and VISA confirmation information.

Everything was real and he was clueless.

How could Junghwan leave him out? Was he not part of the future Junghwan was building?

He lay on the bed feeling lifeless. Junghwan is expected to fly to the US next week and as a boyfriend, Doyoung felt stupid. He has a three-day work travel trip he cannot avoid. He can still see the laptop during the shutdown process and everything was a blur.

There he was, dominated by mixed emotions. The sorrow and anxiousness grew more profound each second and before he knew it, he fell asleep.

He woke up with a throbbing pain in his head. Squinting his eyes open, Doyoung heard faint sounds of footsteps he suspected were from Junghwan.

“Hey there,” he heard Junghwan whisper.

“Hi,” Doyoung mumbled and as he looked into his lover’s eyes, a vein or two twisted in his heart. How could you? He wanted to ask.

“You forgot to put some of the groceries in the fridge,” he said lightly as he sat down on the bed. “You okay?”

Doyoung nodded and allowed himself to feel okay when he is actually not.

“You must be tired. You look tired.”

“I am,” Doyoung confessed. Not physically, though, he wanted to add.

“You want me to massage you?” For the first time in a while, their conversation got longer. Who would’ve ever thought that their longest conversation in a while is just to reminisce their time with each other before the inevitable departure?

That night, the two made love with tears in Doyoung’s eyes.

A day after Junghwan left the country, Doyoung’s contract with the PAO ended and the contract has not been renewed. He was devastated.

The day after next, Doyoung decided to move out of the shared flat.

He informed the old landlady that it was going to be an immediate transfer. With concern in her eyes, the landlady asked him why he needed to move out.

“Well,” he smiled at her sadly. “Things did not work for me.”

She gave him a pat on his hand and told him that everything will be fine.

However, deep down, Doyoung knows it will take him an eternity to move on from the pain he doubts he deserves.

He entered his flat and a light went on inside, illuminating the dark room. He looked to his right to see a vase of ranunculus: the very first flower he received from Junghwan. It’s dead just like what he is feeling for the past few days.

Junghwan.

Junghwan was a great loss that gave him insights what a heartache would feel like. It is like walking in the street at night and a truck running someone down without even knowing it did. Junghwan is gone and Doyoung is still here: the very same place they stayed together. He never thought it would end like this, after the happy events that occurred to him, it concluded in pain, grief, loss, and angst.

He sat on the couch and reached for the telephone. With trembling hands, he dialed on the telephone the person he needed to talk to the most.

“Doyoung?”

He did not answer and just bit his lip. He wasn’t sure how to start the conversation without sounding like he is fine, because he is not.

“Is something wrong? Are you okay?”

And before he knows it, tears are welling up from his eyes. Oh, how much it feels good when someone asked you that because he feels like that is what he needed now.

He needed someone who still cares for me.

“Hey, is something up?” His mom inquired, voice laced with worry.

“Mom?” he mumbled softly but got faded as his broken breaths and sobs overwhelmed him.

“Sweetie, what’s going on?” Her voice sounds frantic.

“I am not okay,” he managed to say in between sobs. “I am not okay.”

More tears are streaming down his face because it is hurting him. The pain is unexplainable but it is there like a pulse- unfelt but present. But right now, it is pushing forward demanding attention.

“What’s wrong? Oh my god, Doyoung. Please tell me.”

“Mom, can I go home tomorrow?” he asked in between cries. “I feel so alone...”

He knew that once he’ll let it all out, sobs will break him. He is aware there’s too much going on right now. Too much to handle on his own. He just can’t keep dancing on his own or he’ll trip on his left foot.

He had never felt so alone. He never felt so lost.

He feels so incapable of doing even the smallest thing there is.

Junghwan made Doyoung feel like a promise he swore to keep, but he broke him.

***