CHAPTER 5: Shoelace

Inside the changing room for the male nurse staff, Junghwan tossed his nametag inside his locker and his soiled scrubs into the biohazard hamper and strip off the rest of his white uniform and medical clogs. He is in his last year as a nursing student and all hell will break loose if he won’t make it this year. His older brother, Sehun, will definitely stop sending him to the university and cut off family ties. The guy has a bad temper.

He slid his phone open only to receive a message from Jeongwoo, his childhood friend, who wondered where he was. He checked the time and it read three-thirty-six in the afternoon and he has a class that started six minutes ago. He received another message from his girlfriend, Jane, who reminded him of their date tonight at six.

His final year has just started and everything seemed too much for Junghwan, and he’s getting tired already. He took a deep breath once he was outside of the building. The sun is not out today and the looming dark clouds are dancing above. He walked towards his scooter and sighed rather loudly. He really is tired yet his brain keeps on going as if it were in some running competition.

He slumped his shoulder and closed his eyes. There’s a certain level of tiredness that equates to insanity, and he’s afraid he’s a step closer to the line. He inserted the key to his scooter and drove all the way to the university.

When he arrived at the Bates building, he stopped by his locker to take out his book on the nervous system and changed his shirt because he sure stink of disinfectant. He rushed and looked for room 23-B on the second floor. He glanced at his watch and he was twenty minutes late already. He rushed into the throng of people. In his rush and in his attempt to avoid people, he bumped into someone sending them both reeling on the wall.

“Holy cow!” Junghwan recovered quickly. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” the other male replied as he composed himself and quickly straightened the class schedule he was holding. “I’m sorry.”

Junghwan wasn’t able to properly see the guy’s face. Drowned in the sea of people, Junghwan craned his neck and looked at the balcony as he noticed the other guy moving down the ramp leading to the first floor, eyes glancing back and forth on his class schedule and on the room numbers he passed by. From afar, Junghwan could see the face now and it was of someone he was not familiar with.

“Where is your sense of time, Mr. So?” his professor asked.

Junghwan took his seat beside Jeongwoo and asked what he missed.

“Nothing actually,” he deadpanned. “It’s been boring ever since the class began. You saved yourself from boredom.”

“One question,”

“What is it?”

“Is it possible that some departments will have classes here in our building?”

“Of course,” Jeongwoo answered. “Remember when we had our debate class at the Scanlon?”

“Ah… yeah, I see.”

“Why?”

“Nothing.”

“If you say so,” Jeongwoo went on his business of scribbling on his book. “Isn’t today your third anniversary with Jane?”

“I mentioned that yesterday,” Junghwan replied.

“Any plans?”

“We’ll just go on a date tonight,”

“When you’ve been in a relationship for long years, you don’t celebrate occasions to higher a notch, and that is understandable,” Jeongwoo commented. “You don’t look like you’re up for a celebration tonight though.”

“I’m really tired,” Junghwan responded. “Like really tired. I miss doing things alone.”

“Crap. What are you talking about?”

“I’m just probably tired,” Junghwan concluded.

He is.

His relationship with Jane started when they were freshmen. She was from the Medical Technology, and they bumped into each other every so often. She was the first one to show interest in him, sending him an Instagram follow request, and purposely sharing a table in the cafeteria albeit with the numerous vacancies in the area. He was put under pressure by his friends and by Jane’s friends that prompted him to go on a date, to get into a relationship. Now, Junghwan is tired of putting up with all these charades.

It was fine at first, but their relationship took a turn with the advent of social media, and Junghwan found himself serving a master. Jane wanted everything grandiose. She wanted to post sweet scripted scenarios in her Instagram feed. It started with the occasional bubble tea, then turned into flowers and expensive restaurant reservations: all expenses paid solely by Junghwan and he doesn’t have a job and he’s tired of this cycle.

But he loved her. When no one is around, Jane is soft, true to herself: sweet, loving, and caring. Junghwan wished there are no other people when they spend time together. However, to him, this is not healthy anymore. He just does not know how to.

They met at The Prawns with Junghwan giving her a bouquet of flowers he bought on his way. Jane accepted it. She doesn’t look like herself. She looked uneasy and it is troubling him.

“They’re lovely,” she commented. “Thank you.”

After they finished the main course and when the dessert was served, Jane looked nervous while smiling at him.

“Jane?” Junghwan called. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she smiled at him but Junghwan was not convinced.

“Are you sure? Are you sick?”

“I just… I want you to know something…”

“Hey, are you okay? You’re scaring me.” Junghwan in his worried voice asked while holding her hand.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“Why are you sorry?”

“I cheated on you.”

“What?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Jane, look at me,” Junghwan grew impatiently but he wanted to keep his composure because they are in a public area. The place is not entirely full to the brim but there are a few people. “What are you talking about?”

“You don’t deserve me, Junghwan. I cheated on you.”

“What the- are you serious?”

“Sorry,” she stood up and left him.

Junghwan was left flabbergasted, and he doesn’t know how to respond. He sat there totally unaware of what to feel, and suddenly it all dawned on him.

He felt hurt but he’s not hurt, separate from it. He felt betrayed and his body is trembling with mixed emotions. He stood up on his shaky knees and ran after her. She was walking down the stairs a few meters from him. He ran downstairs and tried to get past her but his knees are preventing him to do so. The chase took longer than expected and they arrived at the parking lot outside the mall. There Junghwan saw Jane wrapped around someone else’s arm: a painful sight. It was Ben, his classmate. Junghwan’s heart sank at the scene he just witnessed.

The next day at nine in the morning where the Bates building is alive, Junghwan stormed into their classroom in rage. No matter how many times he thought of it over ad over, he felt betrayed. As much as he wanted to end this relationship, it needed to end without any discrepancies.

Ben was sitting at the end of the row. The classroom is almost full save for some unfilled seats and the professor’s rostrum.

“Hey!” Jeongwoo greeted him but Junghwan was set to fire up his mood with a confrontation with Ben.

“Speak up,” Junghwan commanded, voice stern. Ben looked startled but Junghwan felt that he was prepared this is bound to happen sooner than later.

“Junghwan-“

“I said speak up,”

“Please not here,”

“Not here? Tell me, Ben, where is the right place?”

“You’re making a scene.”

“Why? Did you even know your place when you decided to take what’s mine?” Junghwan seethed. He is full of unexpressed anger and these emotions are heading towards his fist. He grabbed Ben and urged him to stand. He grabbed him further and pulled him out of the classroom. More students flocked to the hallway.

“Dude, what are you doing?” Jeongwoo came in, holding Junghwan back. “What’s happening?”

“When was it? Huh? When was it?” He asked Ben and ignored his friend. Ben was never Junghwan’s friend. They barely talk; they’re just acquaintances but the fact that they are sharing the same class ever since sophomore makes him want to rip the guy’s mouth.

“She told me she’s single,” Ben talked back.

“But you always see us together. What the fuck!” Tears start brimming on his cheeks and his grip on the other guy’s collar loosens. “If you have any amount of decency as a person, you could’ve asked me!” He pushed the other to the wall.

Junghwan suddenly felt weak. Jeongwoo took him away from Ben before things got more heated than it already is.

“There is nothing to see, move out!” he can hear Jeongwoo shooing the spectators. “Please move out.”

That night, Junghwan slept with tears in his eyes.

He woke up in time for brunch and their living room looked gloomy. Junghwan took a mug from their countertop and opened a sachet of coffee.

“You don’t have a class?” the eldest brother came in and took a piece of banana from their table.

“Am not feeling well,” he responded.

“Looks like it,” Sehun noticed. “Wash your face you look like shit.”

“Thank you very much,” he mumbled as he escaped the dining area. He took his towel and decided to obey the older.

“Mom went out so you better prepare lunch for us,” he heard the older say.

“Where’s Chanwoo-hyung?”

“Out. I don’t know where.”

“And Jaehyun-hyung?”

“Work.”

“I thought he’s working from home?”

“It was me, not him,” Sehun settled on his study table. “By the way, have a seat here. I need to talk to you about something.”

Sehun wanting to talk to Junghwan means he might’ve had decided something already that Junghwan has no idea of. It happened multiple times, his course for example.

“Hmmm,” he hummed as he sat down across the older’s study table on the sofa.

“What happened?”

“What happened?” Junghwan repeated. He guessed it wrong.

“Mom saw you last night looking upset. She wanted me to talk to you. I actually do not want to do it, but she asked me for it, and now I do. Now, spill.” Sehun crossed his legs and faced the youngest. “By the looks of it, it must’ve been terrible.”

“It was,” Junghwan confirmed. He told him everything and the older was just silent. After he stopped talking, the older one closed his laptop.

“Do you want me to say something?”

“If you like.”

“I’d say, it’s your fault.” Junghwan saw the comment coming. It’s Sehun he was talking to. He always makes it a point to blame someone. “You don’t just court someone simply because you felt pressured,” Sehun began. Junghwan reflected on it and his brother was correct. “But she was also at fault for cheating. But you wanted to end the relationship, right?”

“Yeah,” Junghwan confirmed.

“So, what are you moping about? What are you moaning about?”

“I don’t know, at some point, it did not feel good to me, I felt betrayed.”

“But, have you ever realized that you have been betraying her for so long?”

“What do you mean?”

“By not reciprocating her feelings.”

“At some point, I love her.”

“At some point?” Sehun stood up. “You can’t just love a person at some point, Junghwan.”

“It’s not like I can change her,” Junghwan reasoned out. “She was getting out of hand.”

“Just take your time to go over it and you’ll be fine,” Sehun said while he gave Junghwan a soft tap on his back. “It may take time, but you’ll be, in time.”

Junghwan did not respond and just went to his room.

When the clock hit noon, Junghwan got up and decided to take a breather by going to the local coffee shop near the university. He left his brother with no food and he doesn’t feel any guilt. The place was not packed when he arrived saved for the few occupied tables. He ordered a cup of iced coffee and a plate of waffles to fill in his hungry stomach.

He looked around and studied the place only to spot the guy he bumped the other day at the building. It was him. He studied him intently while mentally reminding himself not to stare too hard so he wouldn’t be suspected as a creep.

The other guy has long eyelashes, a small face, and a defined jawline. He has a habit of sticking his tongue out in what Junghwan noted as unpredictable. His hair looks fluffy and Junghwan wondered how it would feel if his hands would ruffle those soft-looking locks.

He pretended to look busy when he noticed a shorter guy approaching the sitting guy. Must be his friend, Junghwan thought. To prevent himself from getting labeled as someone who doesn’t mind his own business, looked away. Instead of facing them, he decided to change position and turn his back against them.

A few minutes passed, and Junghwan ate all his food. He adjusted his blue cap and wiped the corners of his mouth. He was about to stand up when the other two from his back passed by him. He took a glance at the guy and they lock eyes for a few seconds before it broke.

Two days after, he stopped by the local shop to take some raffles out for his breakfast. He saw the guy again in his usual spot but Junghwan did not have the time to stay longer because he has a hospital shift to catch up, and he left his medical notebook in his locker.

“Do you have three pesos? So, I can give you ten for your change. I don’t have coins here,” the cashier asked him.

“I think I have,” Junghwan told him. He checked his back pocket and take out whatever was in there only to find papers but no coins. He checked his front pocket, but still none. “It turned out, I don’t have it. Just put the change there, it’s my tip.”

And he sprinted out of the shop. Jeongwoo called him a few minutes ago that they changed their assigned department and that he was assigned to the emergency room.

“ID, please?” the security guard asked him as soon as he stood at the entrance.

“It’s in my pocket,” he answered. “For a while please.” He tapped his back pocket in hope of feeling the rectangular card but it wasn’t there. The guard gave him a knowing look. “I must have dropped it in the café when I bought these.” He raised the paper bag of waffles but the security guard did not buy it.

“Then, gentleman, why do you put your ID in your back pocket when it’s supposed to be worn around your neck.”

“Just let me in, I’ll be out right away anyway. I just need something before I go to my internship.”

“So, you’re suddenly an intern now?” the guard is not letting him in.

He showed the guard his internship ID and that merit him an entrance.

“File a report in the lost and found at the SAO’s so they can give you a temporary ID.”

“I will, thanks!”

His other friend, Haruto, welcomed him to the emergency room when he arrived. Jeongwoo was nowhere to be found and the waffle he just bought had gone cold inside his locker.

“What took you so long?” Haruto asked.

“I woke very late,” he replied. “And my ID got lost, I probably dropped it at the café.”

“First impression matters, dude, we have to be around as early as possible. I heard this is the department that gives the lowest grade,” Haruto side-eyed him as they lined up waiting for the head nurse to arrive.

“Really? You heard it from?”

“Asahi. While you’re busy tending your broken heart.”

“Shut up!” he elbowed the other softly and they both chuckled.

“The journalism department has this crazy idea of partnering with our department, I heard.”

“What do you mean?” Junghwan asked. The head nurse did not arrive, however, they were given the instructions to stay inside the room in case a patient will be sent to their hospital.

“Something along the lines of partners and all. I heard it from a friend from the journalism, he said his friend is looking for a nursing student he can partner with. I told him we’re all busy.”

“What a poor soul,” Junghwan commented.

When his alarm rang at seven in the morning, Junghwan sprung up. He received a text from the SAO that someone returned his ID. He arrived at the university earlier than his scheduled class.

Kim Doyoung. He read the piece of paper the lady from the SAO gave him. It has a phone number too. He was about to send a thank you message when his phone rang and it was a call from the hospital he has his practical studies, and he got busy throughout the span of two weeks. He only got reminded to text the number when he checked his notebook and the piece of paper fell from it.

“Sorry for taking your time and thank you for returning my ID. – Junghwan,” his message reads before sending it.

He went directly from Luke’s Hospital to Loey’s, the local café near his university. He has a lot of things to do and he needed a quiet place, a place away from Jeongwoo and Haruto who had nothing to do but laugh at each other’s words. When he opened the door, he was greeted by the sight of occupied tables and chairs and it took him by surprise. He took a leap of faith and entered. The guy at the cash register smiled at him.

“Is there a vacant seat I can take?” he asked shyly.

“Hold on,” the other guy, Yedam, craned his neck to check for available seats. “Yeah, there is. Over there.”

And his point finger pointed toward the guy at the Bates building. Junghwan mentally nicknamed him the ‘schedule-guy’ and he was all alone busy writing something on his pad of paper.

“Do you think he would mind?” Junghwan asked.

“There is no harm in trying,” Yedam smiled at him.

“I’ll just have coffee for now,” he ordered.

“Cool, will be there in a few.”

His heart beats in an erratic pattern as he inched closer to the guy.

“Can I sit here?” he blurted out. The guy looked up, and looked a little disturbed and surprised at the same time. Junghwan cannot fathom what that means.

“Yeah- yeah sure. No problem” was the response. He immediately cleared out the other side of the table for Junghwan to avail.

“The café is packed and I need a table. I need to use Wi-Fi for research. You don’t mind me sitting here, do you?” He felt the need to explain further so that he won’t be tagged as someone who invades privacy.

“No, I don’t,” the response was curt.

“Thank you,” he responded in an equally curt response. As much as he wanted to create a small talk, he value the other’s solace and he has a task as well to complete. He opened his laptop and start creating his presentation for tomorrow’s report.

He takes small glances just to check on the other guy from time to time. From across, the schedule guy looked exhausted. There is an apparent lack of sleep residing in his eyes and he does look like he’s not in the zone. He wanted to ask if he was okay but Junghwan decided against it. It’s none of his business.

A few minutes turned into half an hour and the other guy stood up and started to collect his things. He must be going, he thought.

Junghwan really wanted to know his name. The guy was swift with his movements as if he had a time to beat.

One. He counted.

The schedule guy took the remaining pen from his table.

Two.

He opened his bag and placed his pen inside.

Three.

He closed it.

Four.

He slung the strap of his bag on his shoulder.

Five.

He moved the chair.

Six.

He made eye contact.

“Sorry for the little disturbance,” he gave him an apologetic smile.

“Nothing biggie,” Junghwan managed to say. “Thanks for sharing this table. I know you like this area specifically.”

“Yeah,” was all the response and he walked away.

By impulse, Junghwan stood up and managed to take ahold of the man’s hand. It was tight and he felt bad.

“Wait!” He called. It was a little louder than he intended it to be. “…oh, sorry.”

“Is there anything else I can help you with?” the other guy asked, he looked confused.

“I did not catch your name.”

“Doyoung.”

“Hi, Dyoung!” He smiled at him. “My name is Junghwan. Pleased to meet you.”

Meeting Doyoung was what Junghwan wanted to label as serendipity and he wanted to take advantage of it. It took months of excessive pining and finding the right timing to corner the guy and finally got to know him.

Doyoung is an adorable ball of energy who has a great sense of care. He also likes small details such as remembering dates. He has a sense of maturity that sometimes makes Junghwan feel insecure because he wanted to have that too.

It has been four months and there are still so many things to discover. Junghwan is eager to get to know Doyoung better. He liked the idea of getting to know more about his boyfriend Kim Doyoung.

The confession worked and it led him to where he is today: in the hallway with Doyoung beside him.

The hallway is empty saved from the few students transferring classes. It’s already six in the March afternoon, and they decided to walk around the Bates building.

“The enrollment for my review classes has started already,” Junghwan announced.

“Cool, have you enrolled?” Doyoung asked. They made a turn leading toward the exit.

“Not yet, I still need to ask my brother for the fee.”

“How long will it be?”

“The exam will be in October.”

“Seven months from now,” Doyoung counted. They reached the school oval where a few people played soccer.

“I’m not ready,” Junghwan said. They stopped at the bench under the shade of the mango tree. “I always have a history of flunking an exam… major exams.”

“Really?”

“Hopefully not this.” Junghwan held his hand. Doyoung squeezed it.

“Can I kiss you?” Doyoung heard Junghwan. The other is playing with his hands.

“Here?” Doyoung asked.

“If you like,” Junghwan whispered.

“Shut up!” he pushed the other.

“Most rooms are vacant now.”

Kissing has become a habit.

Junghwan dragged him inside the vacant classroom. The lights are out and the environment is quiet. There was a long pause and Junghwan held his arm. His hand traveled upward until it reached Doyoung’s neck. Doyoung yearned at the touch.

There was a pause and Junghwan brought his face closer to Doyoung, centimeters away from his lips. Doyoung blinked his eyes, and wet his lips subconsciously. Hands come up to his face, and Junghwan tugged him forward.

When their lips met, it was a light brush. They could feel each other’s breath and Doyoung noted Junghwan smelled of Mentos. It was stupid on his part because he has a habit of overindulging and the look in the other’s eyes pulled him instant.

Junghwan surged forward to claim Doyoung’s lips completely. It was a clumsy scramble as they found themselves pinned on the wall behind the door. Doyoung giggled in between kisses as they found themselves in a more uncomfortable position.

“I don’t know how this works,” Doyoung whispered in the taller’s ears.

“Neither do I,” Junghwan laughed before pulling Doyoung back in the kiss.

This time the kiss is different. It’s every bit languid. They’re taking their time. Their foreheads pressed together, noses brushing as Junghwan dragged his lips down the way from Doyoung’s neck. Tipping his head back, Doyung felt a searing heat spread over the front of his throat when Junghwan locked him in his warm embrace with his hands guiding his neck.

Doyoung knows where this is going but before he knows it, Junghwan stopped.

“Sorry,” he breathed heavily. “I got carried away.”

“Me too,” and they both laughed. They went out of the dark classroom with visible wrinkles on their shirts.

It was a repetitive cycle after that.

When Doyoung insisted that they have to stop, Junghwan would whine.

“I thought you liked my lips,”

“Very much, but not now.”

And Doyoung would just laugh it off because he knows Junghwan knows what respect is.

On the second week of March, the graduating college students from the different departments held their practice at the university’s stadium. Doyoung arrived late at the scene and Mashiho scolded him for being so.

Mashiho and Junghwan have met already, and it was such a pleasant sight to behold. His best friend asked his boyfriend a lot of questions which led to an awkward first interaction but it was saved by the apparent instant connection between the two and their excessive jokes. Doyoung almost felt like the third wheel on that day, but he was not complaining.

“You know what?” Mashiho crossed his arms across his chest.

“What is it again?”

“Ever since you’ve been in love, you lost your sense of time.” Mashiho ended his accusation with a glare.

“Shut up!”

Mahisho laughed.

They never talked about it but the Doyoung has been dying to ask Junghwan what his plan is after the graduation. He remembered the guy mentioned taking the licensure exam, but he wanted to know what his actual plans are.

The province of Balta is rich in natural resources and it has been properly protected by its government. For this reason, big buildings were not allowed to be erected which turned out to be a hindrance to the opening of corporate workspaces for professionals. The lack thereof caused many graduates to look beyond the horizon for a greener pasture and more exposure. Doyoung might be one of them.

He has dreamt of working in a big office situated on the nineteenth floor of a skyrise building. Not to mention to be exposed to an environment where diversity of talents can be observed.

“Junghwan?”

“Hmm?” Junghwan looked at him, sweat running down his forehead.

“So,” Doyoung started. “There is like two weeks before graduation and we kind of have not talked about this yet,” he paused. “And it makes me anxious already.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your plans? I heard. I remember you say about going to the US,” Doyoung said while staring at his shoes. He got his laces untangled from the constant walking up the stage and down.

“Yeah,” Junghwan affirmed.

“Everyone please go back to your respective groups please,” they heard the lady with the megaphone shout. Some of the students have started moving already.

“But…” Junghwan stopped and bent on his knee and tied Doyoung’s laces. He looked up and Doyoung smiled at him. “…my auntie said I have to have a three-year experience before I can go there, which means you’re stuck with me in the next three years and in the next years. Hope you’ll never get tired of me.

Doyoung blushed.

On Saturday at six in the morning, Junghwan showed up on his doorstep. Doyoung woke at 5:30 Philippine standard time. He had his alarm clock reset thirty minutes before his official wake-up time. Butterflies swirled in his belly, Junghwan gave him a sweet morning kiss on his cheeks once the shorter let the taller come in.

“What’s up with your punctuality?” Doyoung asked after preparing a mug of coffee for each.

“I was hoping I could get a snuggle,” Junghwan told him, a smile evident on his face.

“Shut up!” Doyoung giggled. He stood up from his chair and went to Junghwan. He sat on his lap and gave the other a long hug.

“Thank you,” Junghwan whispered in his ear. “I love it when you hug me.”

“Me too,” Doyoung gave the other a peck on his cheek.

Thirty has passed and the two have already packed up their things. Doyoung is going home to Sta. Anna and Junghwan insisted he’ll come. He initially invited Mashiho but the other, this time, declined for his other job-related commitment. Doyoung is glad the other has received a job offer already from the previous company they had their internship.

“I’m nervous,” Junghwan announced after he drank water.

“Don’t drink too much water, we’re traveling.”

“I know, but I can’t help it,” Junghwan said. “I’m meeting your parents.”

“You know what, so you won’t have to be nervous?” Doyoung sat down, bent down, reached for his shoes, and started removing them.

“Put coins inside? It’s not like I am joining a contest,” he said while looking at the other completely remove his pair of shoes.

“Let’s exchange shoes,” Doyoung announced. He gave his white shoes to Junghwan. The other looked confused. “Trust me.”

Junghwan obliged.

“This is comfortable,” Doyoung announced as he walked on his new shoes. “I love the striking orange color too.”

“Looks good on you. You look especially good when you carry a part of me.”

They arrived at the town center thirty minutes before ten o’clock and Junghwan is complaining about how hungry he is already. They stopped at a small local burger stall but the taller insisted he’ll just get water and save his hunger for the chance to eat something far more delicious at his boyfriend’s household.

When they were walking back toward the kiosk, they passed by Doyoung’s school.

“St. Joseph Academy?”

“Yeah,” Doyoung affirmed. “Such a fun school.”

“Doyoung!” his father called him. In the front seat of their pick-up is Dongjun.

“That’s my dad,” he said to Junghwan.

They walked briskly towards the pick-up, and Junghwan greeted the old man courteously.

“Good morning, Mr. Kim,” the taller one greeted.

“You’re Junghwan?”

“Yes.”

“Such a basketball player’s height.”

Junghwan laughed.

“He’s your friend? Where is Mashi-hyung?” Dongjun interrupted.

“Not here, he’s busy,” Doyoung answered. “Let’s go?” He urged Junghwan to enter the truck and they drove off.

His mom was pleased to meet Junghwan. She even gave him a hug and ushered him immediately to the living room with a glass of pineapple juice.

Lunch was great and Junghwan doesn’t show any signs of stopping complimenting Doyoung’s father about how good the food was.

“I heard you’re going to be a nurse?” the mother asked.

“Yeah,” Junghwan confirmed.

“Aren’t you afraid of blood?”

“At first, but I got used to it,” he replied. “I enjoyed it actually.”

“Our Doyoung here fears blood,” his mother announced, drawing laughter from the people around the dining table. Doyoung insisted it was just during the time when he saw too much blood.

“Was it your decision to be one?”

“Not really,” Junghwan answered. “It’s my mom’s and my oldest brother’s decision. At first, I didn’t like it but, you know, once you are in a situation that you do not like, you have no choice but to like it or you won’t survive,” Junghwan explained. “That kind of what happened to me. My classmates really helped me through the process.”

“I see. It’s good to see a new face in the house,” Doyoung’s father smiled at Junghwan. “It’s a pity Mashi is not here, I like the guy, such a sweet soul.”

“Thank you,” Junghwan blushed. Doyoung enjoyed looking at Junghwan like this. “Meeting excellent people like this warms my heart too.”

“Oh, come on, Junghwan, you do not have to say that,” the mother looked touched at the message. “Enough with the flattery.”

“It’s true though,” Junghwan chuckled. “This family seems warm. I wouldn’t love Doyoung if he weren’t a warm and caring person.”

“Love?” the father repeated. He looked at Doyoung and gave him a knowing smile.

“Oh,” his mom put a hand on her mouth as if she realized something.

“No…” Junghwan looked at Doyoung with panic in his eyes. “I mean…love… like love him as a person, friend level love… you know.”

Doyoung looked mortified. They talked about it already that if possible they are going to hide their relationship with their family for the moment. Junghwan has not come out from his family yet, more so bringing a boyfriend to his house. That part, Doyoung understands. They have not properly labeled themselves publicly yet, and that’s a solid mutual agreement. They want to keep their relationship to themselves yet.

“Oh no, sweetie, no need to explain, I understand.” The mother said while wiping the corners of her mouth.

“We always do,” the father smiled at the both of them.

The two of them spend the entire afternoon in the rice field. They were taking pictures and rested on big trees while enjoying basking under the orange sky of the Saturday afternoon.

“I like your room,” Junghwan complimented the moment they enter the bedroom.

“Thank my mom,” Doyoung laughed. “She’s the one making this room alive.”

“You have a great family,” Junghwan said as he sat down on the bed. “I was really scared before I came here, I must admit. But they were really good to me.”

“They are,” Doyoung agreed. He placed the towel on the chair.

“And the water here is really cold,” Doyung looked at Junghwan. He looked fresh with his white face. “I love it.”

“Wait until tomorrow morning, the water in the morning is freezing,” Junghwan told him as he sat beside him. The other guy turned silent.

“I was just thinking about what happened earlier at the dining table.”

“About you saying you love me in front of them?”

“Yeah.”

“No worries, they are fine. I feel like they have a hint already.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Doyoung flatly responded. “I mean, parents can always tell. They have this instinct on things around them.”

“You really are good at making people comfortable, Kim Doyoung.”

“That is why you need me,” he teased.

“Can we make out?” Junghwan asked. The question took the other by surprise. “Can we?”

“What?”

“Can we make out?”

“Like right now?”

“Yeah. Can we?”

“My parents are in the house, Dongjun is in the other room,” Doyoung looked at him in disbelief. “You serious?”

“Promise, I won’t go down your neck.”

“Are you serious?”

“Dead serious.”

“Okay.”

Junghwan immediately reached for him as soon as he got the permission. It’s not all different from the kisses they shared before. Doyoung followed his lead and his pace. Junghwan shifted his body so he can climb on the bed while adjusting Doyoung below him for a more comfortable lying position.

Doyoung would be lying if he said he doesn’t like it when Junghwan plays with his hair while their lips lock. It felt comforting to him. He allowed the taller’s hands to travel from his hair down to his neck and then to my back and decided to let go for the night.

“You are so beautiful right now,” Junghwan whispered before giving Doyoung a long kiss.

“Don’t be such a flatter,” Doyoung pinched the taller’s cheek. The dim light helped him hide his blushing cheeks.

“I am not flattering you,” he retorted.

Silence enveloped them, and they just listened to each other’s breath. It’s soothing. It’s comforting.

“Doyoung?”

“Hmm?”

“Earlier, in your living room.”

“Yeah?”

“In your family picture…” Junghwan stopped. He sat down and looked at the other guy. “Who was that other guy?”

Silence.

“Doyoung?”

“He’s my older brother,”

“Cool. I never thought you have an older brother. You did not mention,” Junghwan touched the other’s arm and peered at him. “Where’s he now?”

“He’s gone,” he whispered.

“Where? Work?”

“Remember when I told you I almost got drowned in my childhood?”

“Yeah,” Junghwan looked at him.

“He died while he saved me,” there is an apparent pain when uttered those words. It’s been eleven years and Doyoung felt like he was floating right on by life.

“Oh,” he heard Junghwan mutter. He has not said anything after that.

Thinking about the incident was a daily thing. There was no helping it. Doyoung still felt a little bit black and blurred from the events that happened more than a decade ago. He cannot go to the ocean, it made him sick and he cannot will himself to touch the water without flashing the suffocating memories back in his temporal lobe.

“Why is the worst memory the most insistent?” he wanted to ask but opted not to.

He can still hear the shouts from the people around him, how he heard his mother wailing from the pain of losing her eldest. It broke Doyoung.

“I’m sorry to hear that, I shouldn’t have asked,” Junghwan finally said. He hugged his boyfriend.

Like the unlaced shoelaces the he like to fix, Junghwan hoped he can tie Doyoung's brokenness.

***