CHAPTER 4: Monsoon

It was already ten when Doyoung closed the movie house. It was the sixteenth of February. His manager asked him to do an inventory. It took forever though because no matter how many times he calculated the sales, it does not add up to the actual money on hand. He scrunched his nose in annoyance and gave a loud sigh. He fished out his phone from his pocket and dialed Mashiho’s number.

“What’s up?”

“What should I do with this excess money in the cash register?” he asked as circled the counter.

“You can give that to me,” Mashiho suggested.

“Shameless,” Doyoung muttered under his breath.

“I mean, you should take it,” Mashiho suggested again. “If you give that to your manager, she’ll gain from your hard work.”

“I can’t believe you said that,” Doyoung announced.

“I’m true though. No one should leech from your hard work. Look at the time now, it’s ten-ten and your shift should’ve ended an hour and ten minutes ago. That excess should be your overtime pay.”

“You know, what? You’re right. It’s about time I get what I deserve.”

“As long as you counted everything right,” Mashiho told him. “Then, everything is good. The excess could be from those ‘keep the change’ ‘that’s your tip’ conversations you had with the customers you cannot recall.”

“Could be,” Doyoung agreed. There were those times.

“Do you want me to pick you up?” Mashiho offered. Doyoung could hear the sound of an Xbox game in the background. “It’s ten for goodness sake, Kim Doyoung. I don’t think there are still public cabs available at this time.”

“I’m fine. I’ll just yell for help when I am all alone in the streets.”

“Call me when you need me,” Mashiho told him. He sounded sincere.

“I will.”

He stepped outside and the warm air greeted him. He took a deep breath again. It’s a therapy he learned many years ago that whenever he felt stressed, a good breathing pattern could lighten up his mood. It worked effectively on him.

The shadows from the trees cast by the street towering lamps have reached the edifice’s porch and gave Doyoung slight shivers. Their formations look scary. His movements were quick when he looped the chain around the bar handle. It’s been a few weeks since he requested a new lock from his manager but to no avail. He finds this task difficult to complete in an instant.

In his peripheral, he could sense danger. He felt someone walking behind him and his intuition was proven right when he saw a human shadow lurking behind his back. His heart beat erratically and his hands were shaking. With his trembling hand, he slowly unlooped the chain and got himself ready to throw it to the person who might be doing something bad at him. It could be a murderer or a robber. Adrenaline rush got him that when he turned around, he swung the solid metallic chain toward the person.

“That hell!”

The voice sounded familiar. It was Junghwan.

“Oh god!” Doyoung clasped his hand on his mouth. “Oh my god!” He walked towards the taller guy. “Are you okay?”

Junghwan grunted, hand on his forehead. “I’m good,” is all the other guy could say.

“Are you hurt? Did I hit you?” he panicked as he cupped Junghwan’s face, looking for a possible bruise. Junghwan held his hand instead and kept him under control.

“I’m good. You did not hit me,” he assured and chuckled. “My impulses are still working just fine, I was able to duck.”

Doyoung bit his lip in worry. “Are you sure?”

“I am. Your hands are cold,” Junghwan commented. He held Doyoung’s hand and put his other hand together and pressed them carefully. “Are you okay?”

“Not really, I thought I hit you,” Doyoung said softly. “And I can’t ever forgive myself if I hit because of my poor judgment and I-“

“Hey!” Junghwan snapped him out from his talk. “I’m okay. You did not hit me. Yes, you scared me, but I am good now. I hope you are too.” He held Doyoung’s right hand and squeezed it. “Come on, let me give you a hug. You look terrified.”

In his embrace, Doyoung’s world stopped on its axis. Time did not seem to exist. He had been hugged before by Mashiho, his parents, and a few people. But, this. This is Junghwan. There was something warm in this hug, and it felt right. He let his body sag and let loose. The hug tightened when Junghwan buried his face in his shoulder.

“You did not hurt me,” he whispered.

Silence.

A few seconds later, Junghwan broke the hug.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,”

“I was just... I panicked, I guess.” Doyoung concluded. “I’m sorry.”

“Apology accepted.” Junghwan smiled at him.

“What are you doing here anyway?” Doyoung asked as he took his backpack.

“I was just passing by. I came from a late-night shift from the Luke’s Hospital,” Junghwan answered as soon as they start walking. “..and I saw you. I thought I could stop by. It’s just a walking distance anyway.”

“I see,” Doyoung replied. “Just a question.”

“Yeah?”

“Why don’t you have your scooter with you especially when you have to come home late?”

“Oil price hike.”

“It has been the past few days.”

“I don’t understand, they will have a rollback, but they’ll announce a price hike twice as the amount they rolled back in a few days. Jesus, I swear to god, our economy.”

Doyoung laughed at the comment.

“Why are you laughing?” Junghwan asked.

“Nothing…” Doyoung denied.

“Did I say something funny?”

“No, you did not.” Doyoung denied it again.

“Then why are you laughing?”

“The way you complained… I just found it adorable is all.” He looked at the taller guy again. Junghwan gave him a confused look.

“You find me adorable? Well, that’s a first.”

“I think you are,”

“Thank you.”

“But I still think you need to bring your scooter with you,” Doyoung said as they passed by the provincial library.

“I’m good,” Junghwan walked ahead of him. “And it also means going home with you.”

Doyoung stopped walking. Junghwan too. He looked at Junghwan. This time, the other man is looking at him too. They stopped midway under the yellow light of the street light.

It must be because he was hugged by the taller earlier that Doyoung finds Junghwan attractive today. Extra attractive today. Always behind those slightly pursed lips was a smile tempting to come out. Junghwan always has that and Doyoung can’t help but get pulled in by those hazel-colored eyes that invite him to another dimension.

Doyoung’s heart jumped. He looked away and averted his gaze on the cars passing by. The other guy might think he is weird for looking at him like that.

“Doyoung?”

He did not respond. He decided to walk forward, leaving the taller guy behind his trail.

“Doyoung?”

He decided he could not hear the taller guy. He walked past the pharmacy and into the zebra-painted lane. He arrived at the jeepney waiting area, and it was like a church on Monday. It was empty. Utter quiet in the entire area except for the constant echoes of the passing vehicles in all forms. Junghwan reached him.

“Hey!” Doyoung ignored him. “Is something wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“But-“

“Just nothing.”

“Okay…” Junghwan gave up.

He did not respond further. He doesn’t want to. He looked at Junghwan and decided he is not going to ruin the friendship. He could harbor this attraction alone. It made his heart drop and sink, but he was sure he can pick it up.

He wasn’t able to pick it up.

It has been a week already since he avoided Junghwan like a plague. By mid-afternoon on Friday, Doyoung was at the Baywalk with Mashiho. The sun was up and the heat was biting their skin. They could both see the St. Barbara skyline from the horizon and the infamous gray cloud hovering over the city which many environmentalists presumed to be air pollution. Despite many serious clean-up drives, the looming ghost of air pollution remains unshaken.

Doyoung can still recall how he and Mashiho met during their freshman at the university. It was during college orientation when he knew no one and was walking lifelessly among the incoming students as they tour the entire campus. Mashiho offered him water during break time. Doyoung did not have the intention to make friends but it was inevitable with Mashiho’s charm and wit and his overall friendly aura.

They did not exactly seem to be destined to become this close. Doyoung was the more serious type – keeping his goal close to his heart – while Mashiho was the mischievous type who is surprisingly good at everything. If not good, best at everything. The guy can definitely cook, can dance, sing, and can do all sorts of sports that Doyoung can name. It may appear to exaggerate, but Mashiho is indeed a jack of all trades and a master of everything.

For these reasons, Doyoung expects Mashiho to be an understanding friend as well.

“So,” Mashiho started as he tried his best to avoid the sun. He scooted into the tree shade. “What’s the terrible crisis that brings you and me all the way here to talk?”

“This is between you and me only, okay?”

“Absolutely. This is certified confidential. The fact that we are best friends is actually a no-brainer to me.”

Doyoung fidgeted as he faced the other guy. He looked him in the eye and stared hard.

“You’re scaring me,” Mashiho announced. “This really is serious?”

Doyoung bit his lower lip while he scratch the back of his neck. “I like guys.”

Silence.

“I may be gay or bisexual or anything.” Doyoung made the announcement longer. “I mean, for me, I’m okay with my sexuality. I’m comfortable with it, and I am not too keen on my labeling it as such… not that I don’t want to, but I don’t think they really matter. A label is just a label… and I don’t have to publicly label myself. But since you’re a family to me, I thought you should know.”

Silence.

“Can you say something?”

Silence.

“Mashi?”

“Wow!” Mashiho finally spoke.

“Wow? Is that all you can say?”

“Yeah, wow,” the other responded rather flatly.

“Say something?”

“Like congratulations?” Mashiho laughed. “I don’t know what to say, I’m still processing what you just said.”

“So, what can you say?”

“Congrats!” Mashiho hugged him. “I’m not kidding though. Congratulations, Kim Doyoung. And… thanks for letting me know. Such a brave man.”

“That’s what mom said to me when I came out to her.”

“They already know? What a courageous man!”

“Yeah, they do. Thank you for accepting me,” Doyoung looked at Mashiho and smiled. “This means a lot to me.”

The other took his hand and gave it a soft squeeze.

“Of course. You are my best friend.”

There were birds flying across the sky.

“Do you find it weird?”

“Weird? About what?”

“About me liking men?”

"Not really. Why would I be weirded out?”

“I don’t know. For some people, homosexuality is meh.”

“I’m glad I am not one of those people.”

“I’m glad too.”

Doyoung never felt freer than before. On the downside, he’s a little bit scared. In this age where people are viewed as somewhat open to new possibilities, homosexuality is still part of a taboo topic. No matter how progressive a country is, there still are people who are from conventional thought. Doyoung is afraid of them.

They walked toward the park’s center to grab something to eat. Mashiho decided to treat him to ice cream as his congratulatory gift. The Friday afternoon traffic was heavy and Doyoung can see the bumper-to-bumper arrangement of cars on the main street.

“How did you know you like men?” Mashiho asked after he paid for cones of ice cream. They sat down on one of the benches. It’s already four.

“Can’t tell really. I’m not easily get attracted to people romantically but I can appreciate physical appearance.”

"Whether they’re handsome or not?”

“Or pretty or not.”

“Right,” Mashiho said. “Do you have any crush? Currently? I mean, I tried setting you up with people I know and you strongly declined them.”

“It really gets me on my nerve when someone tries to set me up for a date. But not you, I managed to secure immunity in everything you do.”

“Now, I suddenly feel bad.”

“You don’t have to,” Doyoung smiled at him warmly. “I’m just happy to get something out within me.”

“That’s a piece of good news. But, Doyoung,” Mashiho looked at him. “Don’t feel pressured in coming out to everyone. You do not have to. Other people don’t matter.”

“Thanks for reminding me that. I will.”

“But, do you like someone?”

“I do,” Doyoung confessed. “This is going to be a tell-all.”

And he did.

“So, his name is So Junghwan? And you’ve been going around him since last year? Where was I in the timeline?”

“You were in the timeline,” Doyoung corrected. “It’s just that he wasn’t that… I don’t know… important? He did not affect me at all before.”

“And now he does. Where do I fit in?”

“In everything in, of course. Just because I got a crush on someone doesn’t mean I am not your friend anymore.”

“Hey! I did not mean it like that.”

“So, how do you mean?”

“What I mean is, when are you going to introduce him to me? Or me to him? Either way doesn’t matter.”

“I don’t know.” Doyoung kept silent.

“Does he know you like him?”

“That’s the problem,” Doyoung’s shoulders sagged. “He doesn’t know and what if he knows and he doesn’t swing the way I do?”

“Are you sure? How d’you know? But based on your story, in those moments, I could sense he might like you as well.”

“I am not sure. God, this is tiring. I could be misinterpreted his actions to fit into my narrative.”

“But you’re a person of judgment. You could be true. And you’re avoiding him?”

“I’m not. I’m just-“

“Trying not to bump at him? That still accounts for avoidance Kim Doyoung.” Mashiho put his arms around Doyoung’s shoulder and brought him closer. “To be honest, I don’t know how things work, but what I can tell is that avoiding a person will not solve everything. Besides, he did not do anything wrong. Leaving him in the ditch is just cruel.”

“Is it that bad?”

“Of course, it is.”

"Imagine one day, I decided not to talk to you and ignore you like you never exist. What would that make you feel?”

“I don’t know. Feel hurt maybe?”

“Of course. One day, the person you have been talking to suddenly ignores you, that would make me extremely hurt.”

Doyoung was speechless. He did not think of that.

“But wasn’t Junghwan the guy we talked about at Loey’s? The guy at the Bates building?”

“Yeah, he is,” Doyoung confirmed.

“Have you asked? Why?”

“Of course, I did not.”

"Why not?”

“I feel like it’s none of my business?”

“I see. You have a point.” Mashiho stood up. “But, Doyoung, this is true, right? That you like guys?”

“Of course. Why would I lie about this?”

“Right.”

They decided to walk along the bay one more time and talked about life. Doyoung was never wrong when he allowed Mashiho to enter his life.

The Holy Divine University is at the other end of the city, close to Phase Two where Doyoung is staying. For this reason, it was easier for him to traverse. It’s just a jeepney away from his home. However, today is not his day. He has been waiting for public cabs to pass but none arrived. He bit his lowered lip in annoyance while glancing at his watch. In an hour, his thesis oral defense will start and he had an idea today is not going to be his day. He hoped for the better.

“Nervous?” Mashiho asked him as soon as he arrived.

“Annoyed more than nervous. I hate this day already,” Doyoung announced as they walked down the stairs. Their defense will take place in the audio-visual hall.

“Relax,” Mashiho advised as they move down. “I talked to the other group already and the people from the panel, they’re eating people alive.”

“Really?” Doyoung stopped on his track. The other guy just nodded. “I’m not ready for cannibalism. I’m going to die.”

“Relax,” Mahsiho repeated.

“What you just said did not help.”

When they arrived outside the hall, Doyoung’s groupmates gave him his copy of their research. Mashiho went to his groupmates.

“Remind our leader to take a deep breath or she might not make it inside,” Jason, his other groupmate patted his back. “We’ve been trying to cool her down but to no effect.”

After sleepless nights and the continuous grumble and revision of thesis file names on their laptop, they’re finally here to defend it. It’s now or never. They entered the hall as soon as their names were called.

They started first with an introduction of their names including their thesis adviser and their statistician. They went on by presenting their thesis starting with the rationale, framework, related studies, and their result, and then the conclusion.

Doyoung could tell that the presentation went well based on the panel’s faces. The deliberation followed and the group swallowed a large lump in their throat.

“You may have addressed this already in your rationale, but personally, what prompted you to conduct this research?” The professor with a red scarf around her neck asked. She smiled at the researcher before taking a sip from the bottle of water. “Can I have Doyoung answer this for me?”

Doyoung bit his lip. The answer to the first question in the Q and A plays a crucial part in the defense. It is the defining factor that might change the mood of the panel from a smile to annoyance or the other way around. He closed his fit and took a deep breath. He has to nail it.

“It’s a topic close to me,” he started. He can feel the tension in the air. “As an internet user, I feel the need to label and find it out myself whether I am addicted to the use of the internet or not. And after finding it out to myself when I answered the questionnaire, I felt the need for others to know about their addiction too.”

“So, were you addicted?”

“The symptoms were there but clinically, I could not tell.”

“I see,” she smiled at him. “Thank you for your answer.”

“I understand that you use an existing questionnaire for your research, can you elaborate more on how you were able to gain access to this questionnaire legally and what modifications were made?” one from the panel asked.

“Yes, we borrowed this Internet Addiction Test Questionnaire from Dr. Kimberly Young,” Leslie, their leader, answered. She further introduced who Dr. Young was and her relevant contributions to the global study of internet addiction. “We asked her permission to use her questionnaire and that we will make some modifications to it. You can see the entire conversation in Appendix 19 on page 143.

“And the modifications?”

More and more questions were thrown at them, and they were able to hurdle them, fortunately. Their research adviser and statistician were also present and answered some difficult questions in lieu of them.

“This is actually a very interesting study considering you found out that those who are prone to internet addiction are those who are doing good in school,” the dean of their department commented. “Could it be that they are learning as well while scrolling down their social media feeds? That I do not know, but I wish you added it here. So, I’ll just go for it on your recommendations list.”

“We actually made a short interview to know further,” Doyoung began. “We asked a little further about their reasons why they stay online. Most of the responses were basically to kill time while waiting for class to start or after studying. Students claimed they learn many things, discover new things, open new doors, and read ebooks they thought weren’t available for them. There were different gratifications.”

“So why didn’t you place those answers here?” You could’ve added another hypothesis or something to test that,” another evaluator asked.

“Because the objective of this study is to know if those who are addicted to the internet are failing students or not,” the group leader answered. “We only wanted to know the correlation between internet addiction and academic performance among the respondents.”

The explanation seemed to satisfy the panel. They gave their final comment, and they gave the group a final grade of 1.3 which is roughly equivalent to 97%.

Later that Friday night, Doyoung decided that today is his day. They went out for some drinks to celebrate a milestone in their college life.

Saturday morning, he awoke with a headache. It’s piercing and it’s losing his sanity. There had been a lot of beer the previous night. He eased his way out of his bed and went down to his kitchen where he was set about preparing breakfast for himself. Unfortunately, his fridge was empty and his stomach was grumbling in hunger. He opened a cabinet and found a sachet of Milo. He took it and mixed it in hot water.

He moaned in response to pain when he sat down forcefully. It’s going to be the bed and I today, Doyoung thought.

He went back to his bed and lay down. He unlocked his phone and read the three available messages. All of them are from Junghwan.

“Hey, I was thinking we could talk,” the first message reads. Doyoung scrolled down for the second message. “I have a feeling you’re avoiding me.”

Doyoung felt sad at that.

“Did I do something wrong?” The last message reads.

His hands moved quickly for the response.

“You did not do something wrong and I wasn’t avoiding you. Was just busy with thesis and all.” He tapped the send button.

Doyoung decided later that the only thing that could save his sanity was being in a state of shock. He sat down on a bench facing the sea at seven in the evening. Junghwan is still yet to arrive. They decided to meet and Doyoung is prepared for his long speech about how he got buried by his academic tasks to the point that he can’t meet with his other friends. At least, that reason seems viable to clear his name out from the avoidance allegations of which he is guilty.

He adjusted his coat and sighed loudly. He needed to get this conversation straight. He’ll just lie to keep this sorted out. He doesn’t want to ruin this beautiful friendship he has with Junghwan by simply tucking his feelings in his blanket.

“Would you like a cup of coffee?” Doyoung looked up at the origin of the voice. Junghwan was standing.

“Thanks,” Doyoung accepted the offer. “It’s a little bit cold.”

“Just read on the news on my way here about a low-pressure area,” Junghwan sat next to him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I am.”

“So, you were avoiding me?” Junghwan went straight to the agendum.

“I wasn’t.”

“I feel like you were.”

“I wasn’t.”

“Last time, when I saw you and you see me, you made a u-turn and just left the scene. I swear I was sure you were going my way and decided not to.” Junghwan elaborated his claim. “Did I do something wrong?”

“You did not.”

“Then why?”

“Why what?”

“Avoid me?”

“And here I am today.”

“Two weeks ago. Did I say something that night? When you throw the chain at me?”

“No, you did not.”

“I see. So, you’re not going to tell me?”

“There is nothing to tell.”

“I got it. I’ll just accept it that you were not avoiding me.”

They remained silent for a while.

“Does it ever occur to you…” Junghwan started. Doyoung just listened while sipping his coffee. “… wherein you like someone and you’re suddenly afraid?”

“How do you mean?” Doyoung asked. He placed the cup beside him and looked at the taller one. He’s wearing an oversized white hoodie and gray sweatpants. Doyoung remembered Junghwan likes this type of clothing citing it makes him comfortable.

“I mean… you like someone and you do not know if the person likes you back.”

“And you’re suddenly afraid the person doesn’t like you back?” Doyoung finished.

“Sort of,” Junghwan confirmed. “That sucks.”

“It does.”

“So you have been in that situation?”

“Yes,”

“What’s stopping you?”

“Ruin a budding friendship.”

“What if the person likes you back?”

“What if-“ Doyoung stopped. He doesn’t know which pronoun should he use. He? She?

“What if?”

“What if,” he paused again. “What if she doesn’t like you back.”

“At least I tried.”

“By risking your friendship?”

“I guess, you wouldn’t know unless you tried?” Junghwan kicked some stones.

Doyoung looked at the ground. He believed in friendship and he treasures it because it rarely forms. Rejection is absolutely the worst as it can feel someone insecure and constantly ashamed, and it may lead to breaking a beautiful bond.

“I don’t know,” Doyoung finally answered. “I value friendship like a family.”

“Let’s say I like you and I confess to you…” Junghwan started all of the sudden and Doyoung froze at the premise. “…and given that you don’t like me. What would you do?”

“Given if I don’t like you?”

“Yeah, given. But you can like me,” Junghwan laughed but it was an awkward laugh. Doyoung was able to catch it.

“In my case, I’d thank you for liking me and explain to you that I don’t like you that way,” he decided to neglect the second part and treat it as a joke. “But I’d say it is very hard not to be bothered by the confession, bother not in the wrong way, but that might give me some thinking why you like me and such. Who knows I may develop some feelings.”

“Feelings?”

“Yes,” Doyoung confirmed.

“So that is possible? That you might like me back?”

“Yes, in the premise that you gave me. We’re friends and I have known you, of course, I might recall a lot of things and might like you back. Liking a friend romantically is not that difficult though unless you fancy other people.”

Junghwan did not respond right away. He stood up and threw his empty cup into the nearby trash bin. It’s getting colder and there are no apparent stars in the sky.

“Remember when we talk about the most viewed object in the world and you answered the moon because that will help us identify whether it will rain or not? Looks like it’s going to rain soon,” Junghwan said, still standing. They both looked up and gazed at the dark sky. The moon is completely hidden and the sky is void of stars.

“Looks like it,” Doyoung confirmed. “But, let me ask you the same.”

Junghwan looked at him intently. “What is?”

“Let’s say I like you and I confess to you and given that you don’t like me. What would you do?”

“I’d say you’re brave for risking a thing,” Junghwan replied.

“The girl would be lucky to have you,” Doyoung took his now cold coffee closer to his lips but he never let it touch them.

“It doesn’t have to be a girl though,” Junghwan whispered but Doyoung, although it was really faint combined with the howling wind, was able to hear it clearly. “It doesn’t doesn’t have to be a she.”

“Okay,” Doyoung felt nervous.

“Going back to your question,” Junghwan sat next to him. He continued without looking at the other. “What if, you like me and I like you back?”

Doyoung was too stunned to speak.

“Or what if I like you and I like you back. Either way. The feeling is mutual,” Junghwan stuttered. “What would you do?”

“Then, let’s go on a date,” Doyoung laughed awkwardly.

“I’m not talking about the premise earlier,” Junghwan’s voice suddenly changed. It wasn’t playful anymore and Doyoung felt a rush of fear about where this is going.

“What if I like you, I mean… not what if, I like you,” Junghwan paused. “… romantically.”

Doyoung did not respond. Because he did not know how to.

“Is that weird?”

A drop.

And another drop.

“Doyoung?”

And more drops.

It’s raining.

“Earth to you, Doyoung!” He could hear Junghwan yelling at him amidst the pitter-patter of the drain. They’re already soaked.

“Oh, god, it’s raining!” He exclaimed.

“Come one, we’re wet already! Let’s-“

And Junghwan’s voice was drowned in the cacophony of water hitting every part of the ground. The downpour was so heavy that to be caught unaware meant being drenched to the skin. Each drop was as large as a cartoon tear and they fell like gravity had been turned up a notch. Doyoung looked around and the people around him started to run, finding solace in the different kiosks within the bay park.

And there is Junghwan, who looked handsome in his wet hair. His hoodie is fully drenched and it is stuck on his body revealing his full stature: broad shoulders and muscular arms. It’s him and as much as he wanted it to be but a dream, it isn’t. If he heard him right, Junghwan might’ve liked him.

“Hey! We’re dripping wet, let’s go!” and just like that, he was pulled with his hands connected to the taller’s as they ran towards a vacant kiosk. Under the yellow lights from the street lamps, Doyoung finds Junghwan more attractive.

“Are you cold?”

“A bit,” Doyoung replied. The rain has not stopped yet and the road seemed invisible behind the thick drops of water from the sky.

“Here.” Junghwan let out his hands and open his palms. “Hold my hand.”

Doyoung complied with the proposition.

He liked the warmth.

They stayed like that for a good seventeen minutes until the rain decided to be gentle. They stayed for another four minutes. Before Doyoung asked something.

“But, Junghwan?”

“Yeah?”

“About what you said earlier?”

“That I like you? It’s true.” Junghwan faced him. “Little moments with you are special to me and I like being with you.”

Doyoung did not respond.

“I feel comfortable with you, and if you don’t like me as I like you, can we stick to your answer from the premise? That we can still be friends and not be awkward?”

“And what if I like you back?” Doyoung stepped closer.

“You like me?”

“Little moments with you,” Doyoung whispered, and suddenly a tear started to emerge from his left eye. It’s overwhelming. He’s happy.

“Hey,” Junghwan hold his hand and his other hand found its way to his face. “Are you crying?”

“Sorry, I was just-“ and he’s sobbing. Junghwan hugged him. There was warmth in it despite the cold environment, something felt right, and something fit perfectly.

“I like you so much,” Junghwan whispered. “And I won’t take back what I said nor my feelings for you will change.”

Junghwan offered him a ride that night because he was sure no public cabs will allow drenched individuals to come and board with the other. With their wet clothes on, to them, it felt like a pack of ice was thrown at them while they rode Junghwan’s scooter.

“You can stay here for the night,” Doyoung offered as soon as he stepped on the ground.

“Do you mind?” he replied with his muffled voice. He took his helmet off and repeated the same question. “My phone’s really wet and it’s not turning on.”

“It’s late already,” Doyoung glanced at his wet watch and it reads ten-thirty. “And you’re dripping. I don’t want you to catch a cold. We could try to dip our phone in the rice, I heard that works.”

Junghwan laughed but decided to experiment on it.

“I hope you’re not hungry,” Doyoung said as soon as they entered. “I don’t have anything to offer you, except water.”

Junghwan just laughed. “I’m fine, water is fine.”

“Was not feeling good this morning, so I couldn’t go to the market to fill in the fridge.”

“Oh, no worries. I’m fine.”

“Would you like to use the washroom first?” Doyoung offered. He climbed upstairs to get an extra towel for the other to use.

“You can go first,” Junghwan answered out of concern. He could see Doyoung shiver from the cold.

“No, I am fine,” Doyoung said while handing the white towel to the other guy. “This buys me time looking for some clothes that could fit you.”

Junghwan laughed at that. He lifted his shirt and took it off. Doyoung blushed at the action but did not shy away. How large his chest was, Doyoung noticed. He has a reddish jagged line birthmark on his lower abdomen.

“I’m going,” Junghwan snapped him out of the trance.

“Yeah, sure.”

When Junghwan was out of sight, he went upstairs and stared at his bed. It wasn’t that big but wasn’t that small either. He walked towards his cabinet and looked for clothes that might fit Junghwan. He opted to take out the oversized pajamas he was about to donate and decided the pair might fit the taller guy.

When everything has been settled, the two sat separately on both sides of the bed.

“I think, we’ll fit in,” Junghwan announced as he caressed the foam cover.

“You think so?”

“Yeah,” Junghwan agreed. “I don’t move a lot when I sleep that’s an assurance.”

“Me too,” Doyoung played with his hands.

The clock reads one thirty-three A.M when Doyoung checked his phone. Sleep has not visited him yet, not when there is another person sleeping beside him. He hid under the blanket so that the light from his phone won’t distract the other. He felt the other stir and it took Doyoung a few minutes to have the courage to face the sleeping figure.

“Can’t sleep?” Doyoung’s heart almost popped out of his chest. “Did I scare you?”

“I thought you were asleep,” Doyoung said in between breaths.

“Can’t sleep either,” Junghwan whispered as he lowered his blanket. He turned on his side and faced Doyoung. “Hey,” he whispered. “About earlier.”

“Yeah,”

“Did it mean we like each other?”

“I don’t know? Maybe?” He bit his lower lip to make sense of this seemingly senseless situation. It hurt.

This is reality.

Silence.

“It was the first day of the first semester this school year when I first saw you,” Junghwan started out of nowhere. “You didn’t see me, but I saw you. You were all I saw, actually.”

Silence.

Doyoung doesn’t know what to say.

“You were at the Bates building alone while holding your class schedule. By the looks of it, you don’t usually get classes at our building given how you navigated. I saw you and I thought you were attractive but I had a girlfriend at that time, and I was not really accepting the fact that I could like a guy.” Junghwan stopped. “In fact, you were the one who made me feel it. Not… not, that it was your fault.”

“And then came you,” he continued. “With your kind gesture of returning my ID. Then, I get your phone number. Furthermore, we became friends. It’s like everything falling into pieces… like how I fell into your charms.

“Maybe it is because we spend more time together or it could be that you are just so likable. There is always something magnetic about you. You are funny and spontaneous and caring. You are great to be with and exciting, I guess,” Jughwan shifted his right knee and it bumped Doyoung’s. “You have a weird habit of dipping your fries on sundae instead of the tomato sauce.”

“It tastes good, though,” Doyoung defended himself. A smile cracked on his face, and he sat down. “But, yeah, I like you too.”

“Is this the part where I can kiss you?” Junghwan sat as well. “Or is it too soon?”

“I don’t know,” Doyoung replied.

“Tell me to stop and I will,”

Doyoung did not respond.

The room wasn’t fully dark. The illumination from the light outside passed through the window successfully creating a boost in their visibility.

One moment they were both staring at each other and the next moment, Doyoung felt a hand at the back of his neck and he was pulled in a kiss.

The first thing Doyoung thought about was how moist and soft Junghwan’s lips were. Taken aback by the sudden action and surge of emotion, he wasn’t able to move. However, it was Junghwan who initiated to deepen the kiss. He parted his lips – asking for permission to go deep. Doyoung obliged and closed his eyes.

Junghwan tasted of mint, probably from the toothpaste, but Doyoung liked it. In that kiss was the sweetness of passion, a million loving thoughts condensed into a moment.

They were not able to check the time before they fell asleep but they were sure they sleep in each other’s arms while allowing the heavy downpour to lull them to a deep slumber.

***